finding a good support system-photo by mentatdgt from pexels
As a woman myself, I’m so familiar with stereotype, stigma, sexism and discrimination that make women (in general) live under pressure.
Women have to be beautiful, sweet, gentle, soft-spoken, well-manner and obedient.
Women aren’t allowed to be fat or chubby because they’ll look ugly. But, women can’t be too skinny either–because according to some men out there–they’re not nice to hug or sexy enough.
…
For further reading, check out my latest post on inspirasianakita.com on English Corner section.
source: screenshot from inspirasianakita.com’s homepageinspirasiana logo-source: private document
Inspirasiana is a community that concerns of nation’s literacy and education. It’s established by a group of authors who are active in social blog Kompasiana, on September 2020.
As a new and growing community, we need your support for our new website: www.inspirasianakita.com.
We provide various categorizes, from lifestyle to travel, sports to health, inspirational stories to literacy, educational tips to culture etc. You can also get the information about our “Taman Baca” at Soa (NTT) and Boyolali (Central Java) on the website.
The profit that we get from Google Ads will be used for funding of our community programs, including “Taman Baca” development. One click from you is valuable for us. So, visit us to enjoy and get the insight from the articles that our contributors have written.
“No’, might make them angry, but it will make you free. If no one has ever told you, your freedom is more important than their anger” -Nayyirah Waheed-
What does “freedom” mean to you?
Everyone might have their own definition of “free” or “freedom”.
But, no matter it is, we agree that “freedom” means we are free from subjection. In a nations or country’s case, subjection might appear in various types.
The most important and always be mentioned in our history book is colonialism by other country. Now, there’re modern subjection in economics, ideology–even what we’re facing today–pandemic.
Indonesian Founding Fathers, Bung Karno, has ever said that our struggle might be harder in the future because we have to fight against the internal enemies. Like a prophecy, what he said becomes reality today. Corruption, poverty, radicalism, hoax spreading and hate speech, are some types of subjection that we’re fighting of.
The most dangerous enemy comes from the internal. From them, who are the closest to us. Even we can be enemies for ourselves.
Well, let me ask you something. Do you realize that your life is surrounded by people’s expectations?
If you said “yes”, then you’re not alone.
Annoyed? Tired? Stress? Absolutely, yes.
Who’s not tired of fulfilling people’s expectations and be a people pleaser?
First, you have to be realistic and realize that you can’t please everyone. You also can’t force everyone to like you.
In the haters eyes, you’re always be a bad person. No matter how nice, kind or well manner you are, their perception about you won’t ever change.
You don’t need to always agree or say “yes” to their requests. Cause you’re just a human, not Aladdin’s genie or Cinderella’s fairy godmother.
If you want to express your disagree and rejection, make sure that you have valid reasons and strong argument. Then, express it in a respectful way.
If people don’t like of what or how you do, it’s not your business.
Your life is your responsibility. Their life are their responsibilities.
Everyone has an authority to rule and control themselves. Your mindset, your words, your attitude and behavior are things that under yourcontrol. Because you’re a leader of yourself.
Other’s mindset, words, attitude and behavior are things that out of your control. So, why are you worrying a lot of the things that you can’t control?
You have right to choose what’s the best for you. You have power to rule and control yourself without always fulfilling people’s expectations. If you can do it all, then, you’ll gain your own freedom.
*) This post is written as a reflection on 76th Independence Day of Indonesia. Hope our homeland will recover soon from its “illness“.
Which one do you choose? Write everyday or take several days in a week to write?
For some people, writing isn’t only a hobby. It’s their main jobs.
They might be journalists, columnists, novelists, essayists, poets, editors, copywriters etc.
They gain money from writing.
Meanwhile, some people, who make writing as their hobbies, writing is one of the best stress reliever. It can be a great escape from busy days.
I think we couldn’t agree more that writing has many advantages.
It helps you to speak your mind and heart out through the words. Helping you to ease the pain and burden.
Writing is often used as therapy for people with mental disorders. Psychologist or psychiatrist often suggest them to express their problem honestly through expressive writing.
If you want to make some money while doing your hobby, writing can be one of the best choice. Whether you do it as your main or just side job.
Isn’t it a fun thing to do?
But, I have to admit that sometimes we can feel bored of what we do. No matter how we love writing, there’re times when we need to take a break.
So, here are the reasons why every writer needs writing break.
To give you some times to refresh yourmind. Don’t force yourself to write when your body, mind and soul are exhausted. Deadline, report, meeting, presentation, dealing with client, assignment, exams etc can be really exhausting for you. Breath fresh air, eat healthily, do workout, meditate, take a rest, do something fun or relaxing to refresh your mind and gain more energy.
To give you some times to explore new ideas from various sources. Sometimes, you’re feeling stuck and lack of ideas. You just stare at a blank page and no words are coming. Yeah, that’s writers block. So, you need to break the writers block by taking your time to explore new ideas from various sources. You can read a book, blogwalking and greet your blogger friends, take a walk around your home, gardening, travelling (notes : don’t forget to follow Covid-19protocol during pandemic), talk to your family/friends/loved ones etc. It’s really helpful.
To give you some times to evaluate your writing. Maybe you wrote it in a hurry, so it might have some mistakes and not proper enough. Maybe you didn’t have much time to write, so, you only did a short writing (except poem). After re-reading and evaluating, you realize that the idea of your writing can be developed more.
So, how do you spend your writing break? Let me know your opinion and experience in the comment section.
Have you ever had a writer’s block? I think it’s the problem that usually occur to every author.
Then, why could it happen? How do you handle this problem?
In the sector of lean manufacturing industry, this method is well-known and become a widely applied-philosophy by managements in business world. It is known as kaizen method.
Kaizen (derives from the word “kai” means change and “zen” means for thebetter) is a management method that originated from Japan, and was rooted in the classical Japanese philosophy and ideas. Kaizen philosophy emphasizes on “continuos incremental improvement“. It applies not only in industrial field or management-related things, but also other aspect of life, such as personal life, home life, social life, farming, construction, craftmanship, local government and humanity as a whole.
Many writings are written and published out there. Article, book, journal etc. They might discuss the same issue, topic or problem, but have you tried to find the weakness and criticize the content as well? Have you identified what’s still lacking from the writing?
Nobody is perfect. Same as writing. The weakness can be cause by lack of valid data and fact ,bias interpretation or opinion, contains logical fallacy, no longer relevant to current condition or limited knowledge of the author (especially in non-fiction or popular scientific writings).
So, here are the tips of how I apply kaizen method in my writing process.
Read, read and read One of the best way to find ideas and inspirations is reading. You can read a book, article, journal, news, magazine etc. Read, then understand and contemplate it.
Criticize the whole content After reading, you should identify the weakness so that you’d know what is lacking and how you can fill the “empty” part.
Try to find another point of view As I said before, the writings can discuss the same issue, topic or problem. So, you should add “novelty” in your writing. Try to find different point of view that is still rare to discuss. You can explain it from socio-cultural, economics, environment, art, political and religious aspect (and other aspect). You can tell your own experience (it can be your parents, friends, spouse or others experience as well) if necessary.
Write, write and write Just write what’s coming in your mind when everything is ready. Do not procrastinate if you really have a chance and time to write or the inspiration will disappear. Beware, inspiration is expensive and valuable.
Check your writing Don’t forget to check and edit your writing before clicking the “publish” button. Read again your writing and make sure that everything is alright (free from typos, coherence within sentences and paragraphs, use of punctuation and so on). No need to rush.
Well, any other tips you want to add or share? Feel free to share in the comment section below.
The use of social media for various purposes has become a part of people’s life from around the world. Young, old, men, women, office workers, housewives, almost everyone has social media account. The trend of using social media continues to change. When I was in Primary School, many people used Friendster. In Middle School, Facebook began to be loved. Not long after Facebook era, Twitter appeared. And now, Instagram seems to be a new trend in the world of social media.
Have you ever thought how could some people not have any social media account in this modern world? Doesn’t it help you to promote your idea, project or product? Doesn’t it help to connect and communicate with people? Doesn’t it help you to make you more popular?
I don’t say that social media aren’t important. But, there are people who refuse to have any social media. George Clooney, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Benedict Cumberbatch, Reza Rahadian are the example of some celebrities that do not have social media. But, people know them for their acting and films.
So, why are there people who don’t want to have social media account?
Keeping up the privacy Social media allows you to post or share everything you want. Whether it’s good or bad. Some people lack of caution and can’t control themselves to post something that shouldn’t be posted or shared on social media. Finally, everyone knows. And it can be used by bad people to invade your privacy.
Keeping up the productivities Scrolling the timeline, checking notification, liking or leaving comment on someone’s photo when you’re working on something at the same time, really waste your time and energy. It will distract your focus. So, your works will be non optimal.
Maintaining mental health United Kingdom’s Royal Society of Public Health published their result of research about the difference of the use of social media on physical and mental health effect, conducted on 1.479 people with an age range 14-25 years old from some region in Great Britain. The results from this survey taken from National Geographic showed that Instagram is potentially giving the worst effect on mental health, compared to other social media, like Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat even YouTube. Instagram can be the best place to do cyber bullying, body shaming, creating jealousy, insecurity and anxiety. It doesn’t mean that other social media is free from toxic and annoying people, but, instagram is crazy.
They might be people who have great self esteem and confidence Some people use social media for gaining popularity, recognition and applause. But, people with great self esteem and confidence might not need all of them. They have thoughts if they’re being themselves, doing good things to others, then people will know them for who they are. People will know them for what they’re doing without show it off on social media. They’re happy and grateful of what they have and haven’t. They’re happy and grateful of what they do and don’t. Happiness is simple, right?
They might be people who prefer interaction in real life rather than in virtual world Sometimes people act differently in real life and virtual world. In vitual world, they appear as nice guy/girl, but being totally bastard in real life. It might happen cause in social media we don’t meet people face to face. So, it’s really possible if we’re being two-faced person. Well, I’m one of those who believe that if you want to know someone is nice or bastard, you need to know how they behave in real life. If you know nothing, don’t trust people you only know from social media easily.
Not good enough in operating technology (In Bahasa, we called it “gaptek”)
The debate between pros and cons, controversy and criticism about social media would be longer if I explain it too in this article. So, I’ll stop here and let me explain it on another post.
What do you do when negative emotions, like sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, disgusted, etc hits you? What’d you say to people you care about, when they tell you their problems? Do you show them an empathy or toxic positivity?
We might not realize that we can be victim or culprit of toxic positivity at the same time. So, what’s toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity can be defined as excessive and inneffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situation
(thepsychologygroup.com)
To give you an easier explanation (I hope), I’ll show you some example below.
Situation 1
Your friend has broke up with her boyfriend. She’s really heartbroken. She’s crying out loud and needs someone to talk to. Then she came to you and told you her problems. As a response, you told her some “encouragement words” ,such as :
” Be positive” “Look on the bright side” “Don’t give up” “Everything’s gonna be alright” “Moving on” (etc)
(In Bahasa, you often say, “sabar ya..”, “semangat ya..”, “jangan nyerah”, “udah ikhlasin aja” etc)
Situation 2
You told your best friend that you’re defamed by your coworker. It really damaged your reputation that you’ve developed for many years. And your boss was starting to lose his trust in you. Then, your best friend compared your problem with hers or others. She compared which one is more pathetic. She compared who suffers more between you and her or others. In the other hand, she just talked about herself, didn’t pay attention of what you’re saying.
If you have experienced those kind of situation, well, that’s toxic positivity. For situation 1, your friend become the victim of toxic postivity. And you become the one who throws toxic positivity. Meanwhile situation 2 is the opposite of situation 1.
There’re some characteristics of toxic positivity.
Denial. Toxic positivity is fake positivity. It makes people deny and pretend to be happy just to cover their negative emotions. They’ll refuse to be honest to their true emotions and feelings.
Unrealistic. Toxic positivity puts us as if we always have to be happy and positive. Life is up and down. Our life is not always at the top. We can’t always laugh. Sometimes we can cry. The encouragemnt words like I told you in situation 1, look good and motivating. But, it’s kinda problematic and unrealistic. Why? Some of you might disagree with me. Some of you might answer, “I just try to motivate his/her, so he/she can forget his/her problems. Where’s the mistake?”. Well, I suggest you to read it till the end cause the answer will be revealed (implicitly) on the next part.
Comparing who suffers more. Like the example on situation 2, toxic positivity thinks others problem is nothing compare to our problems.
So, what should we do to avoid toxic positivity?
Admitting and understanding your negative emotions. Negative emotions are normal. You don’t need to hide your true emotions by smiling or pretending that you’re okay. Cause it’s okay to not be fine (sometimes).
Releasing your true emotions. If you’re sad after breaking up, you can cry. If someone treats you like a shit, you can angry. When you’ll have a presentation on annual meeting, it’s normal if you’re nervous, especially if it’s your first time. Why do we have to hide it? Why do we have to lie, like everything is okay? Hiding your emotions will damage your mental health in long term.
Learning to control your emotions.Controlling emotions is different from hiding emotions. If you want learn how to control your emotions, you should admit and know first, what kind of emotions do you feel, what do you want. And you won’t ever know your emotions well, if the things you do is denial.
Be a good listener. Don’t interupt someone who tells you her/his problem. Listen and pay attention to what they’re talking about. That’s the reason why God gives us 2 ears and 1 mouth.
Don’t compare who suffers more. Our problem might be the same. But, our strength in facing the problem might be different. What you think is easy, can be difficult for others and vice versa.
Giving the right response. I know it’s hard to give the right response and honestly, I often act like Ms.Know-It-All to them (I’m so sorry T_T). So, what’d you say? You can show them that you care about their condition by saying, :
“I’m deeply sorry to hear that” “I know it’s really hard for you” “If I were you, I’d feel the same” (etc.)
Or… you can give physical touch if necessary (and if he/she doesn’t mind about it), like patting his/her shoulder, hugs, etc. Then, you can offer him/her to talk (or even crying) more till he/she feels better and satisfied. If he/she asks you for an advice, please, do it wisely. If he/she doesn’t ask, please, don’t be Mr/Mrs/Ms Know-It-All (Tbh, it’s the hardest part I should change from myself). Cause sometimes someone only needs to be heard, not asking for advice.
Allofyouarebeautiful. Nomatterwhat’syourskincolor, hairstyle, shortortall, thinorthick. Don’tlettheothersdictateyouabouthowthebeautylookslike. Youbetterdefine your own beauty. Don’ttrustthebeautystandardthatmuch. Ifyou’remorethankful, you’llstarttoloveyourself. Later, you’llrealizethateveryoneisspecialontheirownway.
Dear Women,
You aren’t only about your face and body. You have brain. You have talent. You have beautiful heart and soul. You have the right to grow up. You have the right to have your choices. You have the right to learn anything you want. You have the right to be respected. You have the right to be treated equally. You have the right to speak up your mind. Don’t let them underestimate you! Keep your head up and show them who you truly are!
Dear Women,
You might have high academic degree. You might have high salary. You might have high position. But, you need to know your position in your household. Control your ego. Be humble. Respect and obey your husband. Be a good mother to your children.
Dear Women,
Doing chores, cooking, giving the best service to your husband, doesn’t mean you’re his maid. It doesn’t mean that he’s your boss. That’s your responsibilty as a wife. That’s a kind of how you express your gratitude of his sacrifice toward you. Instead of complaining how hard your chores, why don’t you discuss it with your husband? Remember, I said DISCUSS! Not ARGUING! Not FIGHTING! So, please talk to him heart to heart and control your emotions.
Dear Women,
You shouldn’t attack each other just to catch men’s attention. You shouldn’t offend and judge another women who have different opinion, value, choices with you. “Girls compete each other, women empower one another”. So, can you see the difference?
Dear Women,
Don’t hide yourself behind the statement, “lady’s first” when you see an an old man doesn’t get a seat on a public transportation! Cause the one who must be prioritized more is him, not you. How if he’s sick? How if he’s so exhausted and can’t stand up for a long time? How if he’s your own father and he’s treated like that?Just because you’re women, doesn’t mean you must always be prioritized first. There’s time or situation that you should succumb for the common good.
Dear Women,
It’s okay if you hate patriarchy. It’s okay if you hate toxic masculinity. It’s okay if you hate gender inequality. But, if you hate men, I think you should fix your mind. Cause men and women aren’t rival. They’re partner. So,they should be together to make the world a better place to stay.
I wrote this letter not only for you. It’s my self-reminder too. In this world where women haven’t free from sexual harassment, objectification and discrimination yet, I hope women can fight for their rights, but also knowing and taking their responsibilities without too much excuses.
Ironically, those statements are spoken by women too (mostly).
Ok, let me tell you something.
Womenmustbesmartandwell–educated. A well-educated person is different from a person who’s attended school and got academic degree. Degree and diploma are just signal that you’ve attended, then graduated from school or university. But, they’re not necessarily show how well-educated you are.
Have you ever known someone who’s not attended school or university, but, her/his knowledge is no joke? Have you ever known someone who’s decided to drop out of school/university, but being successful at very young age? Well, I don’t tell you that school isn’t important. I just want to emphasize that one of characteristics every well-educated people have, are never stop learning from anyone or anything. School, university or whatever you said, is not the only place to study. Every place in this whole world is our school and everyone is our teacher.
Let’s back to the topic!
Smart women always know how to handle and overcome the problem. They know how to put themselves in every place, time and situation. Being smart women have nothing to do with their life choices as a working mom or stay at home mom.
Now, imagine if your husband asks you for your consideration or advice on important and serious thing, then what’d you say to him? Please, don’t say that you’d answer, “up to you”. Becausemenwillbeannoyedifyoualwaysanswer “uptoyou” oneverythingtheyask.
Imagine if your children come to you with their innocent yet unpredictable questions, then, how could you explain to them (especially if your children are still underage)? In Islamic beliefs, a mother is the first madrasa for her children. So, howcouldamothereducateherchildren, ifshehasnoknowledgeatall?
There’snothingwrongwithsmartwomenaslongastheystayhumblewiththeirsmartness. So, women should care about their brain and attitude too. Not only their beauty, make up or fashion. And if you have a boyfriend or crush who can’t appreciate your smartness (for example), I’dsaythatit’stimetofindanothermancausehedoesn’tdeserveyou.
In Indonesia, we always celebrate Kartini’s Day every April 21st. I know it’s so late, but, it’s okay to write this topic today. As long as there’re women who are discriminated, labelled or stigmatized, I have the right to speak up anything about it. Anytime, anywhere.
First, Idon’twanttoclaimmyselfasafeminist. Because I think I can speak up anything I care/interest/know about without labelling myself. And I won’t force you to agree with what I write here.
Ok, then. Back to the title.
Womanis amulti–rolecreature. They can be daughter, sister, wife, mother, member of society, citizen of country even a leader of the group/organization/institution/country. Womanisamulti–taskingpersontoo. Have you ever seen a woman who’s doing chores while holding her baby? That’s one of a proof.
Today, women have the same opportunity to get better education and pursue their career. Then, the debate between working mom vs stay at home mom appears on public.
Working mom often assume that stay at home mom waste their knowledges, talents, degrees, achievements, opportunities etc. Meanwhile stay at home mom assume that working mom are too ambitious, selfish and not taking care of their families well. Sometimes, stay at home mom use religious dogma (Iwon’tmention certainreligionherecauseIdon’twanttostereotypingthem) to offend working mom. Meanwhile working mom, sometimes, use feminism issues to strike back.
Like I said before, woman is a multi-role creature. Women have the right to choose what’s the best for their life and future. Whether they choose to be working mom or stay at home mom, they could have gone through an uneasy inner conflict. We might not know how hard the pressure they’re received from family or society.
So, if you’re lucky enough to be surrounded by supportive people and enviroment (parents, siblings, partner, friends, etc), that’s great. But, how about them, who are raised in very conservative family and society?
Share My Thoughts and Emotions 