What Would I Learn in My 28’s?

photo by Pixabay

Today, I’m 28. Time flies so fast.

There’s no special thing today. But the most important thing I should be grateful today is I’m still alive. I’m so thankful for every breath I take, every spoon of rice I eat, every drop of water I drink, every good and evil I experience, every smile and tears that accompany me in 28 years of my journey.

Based on my age, everyone knows that I’m legally adult. But, it doesn’t mean I’m more mature in the term of mentality. There’re still many aspects of my life that need to be improved. So, here they are.

Be kind to myself

As a perfectionist person, I admit that it’s kinda stressful. I’ll think and analyze literally everything before take an action or making a decision: every pros and cons, which one is better till the impact for others. Small mistake can make me overthinking for almost a whole fucking day.

Sometimes, my perfectionism is useful in some conditions. But, on the other day, it gives me a hard time.

Some people told me that I’m being too hard on myself and they suggest me to be more relaxed.

Instead of removing my perfectionist persona, I’ll try to control it. I’ll try to be more gentle, kind and nice to myself, especially in my dark days. I’ll try to not belittle myself if I make mistakes or fail on something.

It’s okay to have mistakes as long as I learn how to fix them. At least, I’ve tried.

Be more assertive

Another trait I hate the most about myself is I’m kinda people-pleaser.

Honestly, I find myself difficult to say “no”. Although my intuition gives me a “danger” signal, I often ignore it because I’m afraid of what they’d think or talk about me. And that’s really unhealthy on the certain level.

This kind of trait have trapped me in some toxic relationships in the past, especially romantic relationship.

So, as I’m getting older, I need to learn how to set personal boundaries. I also need to learn to say “no” if I don’t want or like something. Of course, in a proper and respectful way.

Be more chill when someone ask meWhen will you marry?”

One of the things I hate for being an Indonesian girl is you’ll be questioned about marriage when you’re in your 20’s.

When you almost reach 30 and still single, the pressure to get married is getting stronger.

Most of my friends around my age are married. Some of them have baby. Luckily, they never make fun of my status.

My worries come from relatives, especially when we have family gathering during Eid al-Fitr. Lately, they ask me more often if I have boyfriend or not (read: it’s a sign of pressure I told you before). I’d hate them more if they dare to compare my life and status to their youth or anyone else out there.

My parents aren’t like them, but I’m still worried that in the future they’ll do the same because this their unworthy daughter can’t fulfill our social expectations. (I hope they won’t be affected).

Tbh, finding a suitable partner for me can be tiresome because falling in love isn’t an easy thing for me. But, if there’s a man who can make me head over heels to him, I can make him the one and only.

sunset in the beginning of September

Poem: A Letter from The Future

You can do and pray for the best
But, don’t think too much
I can or can’t be yours
Depends on how destiny unites us
I can sense you worries from afar
But, I can’t tell you more than I know
If He still gives you time, let’s be friend
If He gives you the last call, then it’s the best for you

Sincerely yours,

Your future

Friday night, before sleep

Poem: I Want to Love You for One More Time

Have you ever thought why I blocked your number?
I hope you’ll find the answer and stop calling or texting
But, you don’t get it
I’m frustrated

Guess who’s the real simp?
Who can’t move on?
I used to think that it was me
I asked myself: “was it feeling or a well? how could it be so deep?”

I want to love you for one more time
For the sake of a reason to wake up every morning
Or why I should dress up and smile more
But, I realized that you look like my mistakes that I don’t want to repeat

August 9th, 2022

Time Not to Fall in Love

photo by Karolina Grabowska from pexels

We don’t need too much time to know each other’s name
Knowing each other’s stories are different cases
Even we parted and created our own path
We’ve been together at the same line

Now you’re fine
Having a better life without me there
Don’t worry, I’m doing good here
Live my life to the fullest

We never know when we meet our fate
You’re with her
And I’m with someone else
Just take it slow
Follow His scenario
And for some reasons, it’s not a sin to choose to not fall in love

April 18th, 2022

Poem | A Letter to The Old Me

image by Free-photo from pixabay

My dear, you know that sky isn’t always blue
rain doesn’t always bring the rainbow
and wind can turn into the tornado
but, you’re always able to go through

My dear, there’s no perfect past
so is the present and future
As long as you did your best
failure shouldn’t be your regret

My dear, I’m sorry for my mistreatment
I’m sorry for every emotion I bottled up
All I want was just hold back my tears
so no one knew that I’ve cried

My dear, whoever hurt or left any scars
let them pay the debts
Pity on them who threw a gem for a gravel
You deserve the best
Better than they ever gave

October 22, 2021 – the best day of the week

Poem | Lone Wolf

photo by Federico Di Dio photography on Unsplash

They say I’m lonely
going alone everywhere
without group of peers
or a man whom I date with

They took pity on me
thinking that my life is so unlucky
for not having friends
or someone who stands by my side

Yeah, please, keep talking about that shit
keep your shallow thinking to yourself
cause we’re so unwell trained to see what unseen
an amateur to dive in to the meaning

Call me a lone wolf if you want
a member who’s outcasted of the pack
cause of her flaws
which is not cool enough to stay in, even be their shadows

I’m a lone wolf
who defeat the loneliness alone
who reject to be the shadow
who won’t bow down to any expectation

October 14th, 2021-time when I feel the most powerful to make my day

[Lyrical Prose] Listen to Our Homeland’s Mourn

photo by pixabay from pexels

(1)

This is our homeland. One of God’s masterpiece, home of world hundreds active volcanoes; long stretch of coastline from the west to the east; heaven of tropical rainforest, various species of exotic animals and plants.

(2)

Here, we stand to welcome the sun. Surrender ourselves to the morning for the sake of new hopes.
“We’re born and die here”.

(3)

Our homeland is a piece of paradise. Mountains become the upstream of rivers and tributaries that flows happiness and life. Seeds that we sown, grow thousand grains of goodness. Human use it to support their lives.

(4)

But, our homeland is exchanged with money. Capital owners and deceitful politicians suck the citizens blood.

(5)

Mining’s everywhere, dredge up bowels of the earth. Sea and river polluted by mercury and plastic. Fishes are die. Our lungs filled with pollution.

(6)

Trees roots are not strong enough to handle the water flows. Forests are gone, converting to oil palm plantation. The villas stand tall on top of the hill, swallowing ecological areas.

(7)

When the rain comes so often, everything’s float off and die, swept away by the flood. Left pain and sorrow that will be recorded in our memory.

(8)

Our motherland endures her pain, due to the ungrateful behaviour of her children. intelligent human beings that never use their brain. Feels like the one who can take a control while they’re just souls that full of greed.

Sept 20th, 2021

Poem | Oh, Cheerful September

photo by Rodnae Productions from pexels

Oh, cheerful September
As the time goes faster
Your end is getting closer

Oh, cheerful September
As I tripped and fell over and over
I find the reason to grow stronger

Oh, cheerful September
The day when I wake up
I choose rejection to give up

Oh, cheerful September
Although sometimes life is full of grief
I’ll answer it with tears and smile at the same time

Oh, cheerful September
Maybe I need some rest
But, I refuse to stop or else I’ll regret later

Oh, cheerful September
I go through this fear again and again
Either failure or losing
Like it’s one of a daily routine

Oh, cheerful September
You give me hope and moments to be captured
But also a farewell that doesn’t need to be remembered

September 12th, 2021-when the rain is still pouring during dry season

“Welcome to The Club 27! Wish You a Long Live”

source : jogja.tribunnews.com

In the entertainment industry, Club 27 refers to a phenomenon of world musicians and celebs who died at age of 27 years. Starting from Janis Joplin’s death in 1970, who died two weeks after Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison was also found dead by suicide a year later, then it became the main idea behind the creation of Club 27.

In the years after, there’s also some musicians who died at 27, such as Brian Jones (1938), Robert Johnson (1938), Kurt Cobain (1994), Amy Winehouse (2001) till Korean singer and member of SHINee, Kim Jonghyun (2017).

So, what’s the correlation of all I wrote before with today’s topic? Does the author of this post have suicidal thought so she can join Club 27?

No, my dear. Who do you think I am to be at the same club with the world legend?

But, I hope that this isn’t my last post or “good bye message”.

So, what will happen when people reach their 27? Getting older, yes. Coming to late 20’s, of course. Closer to death, absolutely. But, what else?

Research shows that in 27, someone’s body naturally undergoes a biologically inevitable mental decline. Furthermore, the decline to mental disorders can lead to potential depression, such as feelings of sadness, anxiety and emptiness.

Sounds so scary, right? Is it because of the higher expectation and social pressure?

I’ve heard that the expectation and social pressure are getting higher when you reach 27. People will ask more frequently about your achievement in career, wealth and relationship (especially about your love life). For some people, these kind of questions can raise their level of insecurities and hurt their pride. This is why they will be more stress and depress easily.

Well, for the sake of my mental health, I think I should stop comparing myself with others. Because my insecurity exists and to be honest, it’s not easy to always have the right state of mind, then comparing “me in the present” with “me in the past” is better choice. So, what I have done? What I have gone through till today?

First, I care more about my body’s need and health

I used to eat late and skip meals too many times, especially when I was so busy or had many works to do.

I was so lazy to do workout. Meanwhile my work needs me to sit and staring at laptop screen for the damn 8 hours per day. So, yeah, I’m doing the little of physical activities which is not really good for my health. That’s why I need to change that habit.

Second, I try to love and accept myself for who I am

i’m a perfectionist. A little mistake or failure could make me frustrated. I’d blame myself for my mistake or failure.

One day I felt tired for hating and blaming on myself. It made me so sick.

Then I learnt to forgive myself. I embrace all of my mistakes, stupidities and failures. I embrace, cure all of my old pain and said to me, “it’s okay, you did great”.

Third, I could free me from toxic relationship

Almost a year ago, I broke up with my BF. Even we had plans to get married and we’re already knew each other’s parents.

You might ask why’d I broke my relationship if we planned to engage in long term commitment.

Well, I won’t tell you the detail. To be honest, I love him, but, the only thing I can say is surviving and bringing this kind of relationship to marriage will be disaster for us.

Yeah, It might not big changes. But, it’s like an achievement if I can improve some aspects of me or my life. And I have the right to celebrate it once again.

Thanks for reading and have a great day

September 1st, 2021

Poem | Forgiveness

photo by Ali Arapoglu from pexels

How many times do you have to put a smile
when the words are just sweetener on the lip tip
No one knows about your heart, which is like a battle field
where the memories are vulnerable in front of grudges

Nothing is more toxic than a fake smile while mumbling of bad things
undetected and not tasted
just left a never ending chaos

If “sorry” doesn’t ever come,
which one should be there first

between regret and forgiveness?

August 25th, 2021