Poem-Book of Silence (Intro)

What’s silence?

Is it the same as alone? loneliness? mourn?

Is it a negative sign?

Why do you keep asking if my eyes said everything?

Yogyakarta, Januari 7th, 2020

My Thoughts on New Year Eve and New Hope for 2020

photo by Rakicevic Nenad from pexels

Every year end, people usually go outside or throw a New Year party to celebrate New Year Eve. But, I prefer to stay at home, having a quality time with my family or watching (marathon) movies or sometimes having a roasted corn and small talk with my close friends rather than go outside and trapped in traffic jam for hours (Yogyakarta, during the holiday season, especially on Christmas and New Year, is so crowded as hell).

When I told it to my coworkers, they just laughed and told me that my life is so pathetic. They often told me to looking for new lover, so my life won’t be too serious and I can be happier (the same shit that always repeating too many times in my ears). Whenever I hear that, I just smirk and “don’t care about shit” because happiness doesn’t need too much requirements. And I’m still living in a happiness even though I’m single haha.

Yeah, I mean I don’t care about how you celebrate New Year. Everyone has their own preference, right? Life is full of perspectives. If you find someone who has different preference or perspective from yours or people in general, you shouldn’t push your standard/value/preference/perspective to fit in him/her.

Not everyone should do like what you or people in general usually do. Life is about making a choice and decision, right? If I want to do ‘this’ or ‘that’, If I don’t want to do ‘this’ or ‘that’, then, it’s my choice, my decision. So, why’d you mind my own business?

2019 and New Hope for 2020

New Year isn’t complete without new hope and resolution. Instead of making unrealistic resolution, I’ll think first of what I have done in 2019. What’s something I should improve or do better? What’s my goal I want to reach next? How can I get there? etc. And I’d like to take a small action but do it consistently.

I’m glad that in 2019 I started blogging on WordPress (personal blog) and Kompasiana (citizen media), even though I couldn’t write or post something everyday. In 2019, I also moved to another company for a new job. I’m glad that I got better company and better boss than before. I hope I can make at least “a small difference and change” from my predecessor.

Sometimes, there’ll be busy day/week/month, so I have limited time to write. But, I still can manage it well when I have more leisure time (when the workloads aren’t much). I hope I can explore and improve my writing skill more in 2020.

WordPress and Kompasiana are like my home. Both of them are my place to escape from frustration. I can find many new friends who have the same vision and value with me. I can learn many things from all of you here and there.

Maybe we’re separated by boundaries, by very far distance, but, our thought and feeling are connected.

Happy New Years, everyone! I hope all of you can have great memories in 2020.

Short Poem | In-Between

photo by Rafal Naczynski from unsplash

What if I choose nothing?
What if I choose both?
What if I choose to be moderate?
If our lives contain many perspectives,
why we are forced to fit into any extreme?

Yogyakarta, December 25th, 2019-08.45 p.m.

*) Merry Christmas for those who celebrate it. Hope you guys are healthy and happy.

Poem | What's Growing Up?

photo by Luca Baggio on unsplash

What’s growing up?
Elders told me to change
Told me that I should take care of myself
Arrange my mind
Repair my broken heart and soul

What’s growing up?
Motivator and self-development books told me to step out of the comfort zone
Should I swim across the ocean?
Should I jump from 160-floors building?
I don’t think I need to enter the dangerous zone
cause it already came on my way

What’s growing up?
If my age and mentality don’t match at all
I refuse to be called “little kid”, but my mentality says otherwise

How far the distance between my goals and the place I stand stiil?
My growth became the bridge that connects them
But, I can’t count how far I take a step
cause I don’t care about the distance
I’ll crawl, walk or run, whatever I want
No matter how far

Yogyakarta, December 24th, 2019-06.59 a.m.

Talk to Stranger

We haven’t met each other. We’re separated by the distance. We’ve just met through blogging community. We often discuss about many things, whether it’s serious and deep things or just joking and small talk.

I know you’re a stranger, and maybe you thought the same about me? When I was still child, my mom told me to be careful and don’t trust stranger so easily. But, are you that dangerous for me?

What my mom said isn’t wrong. I should be aware too. But, sometimes I can talk and share my concerns more freely to the stranger (maybe you guys feel the same) And that’s what I feel when I talk to you. *)

*) note : even though I talk about “specific someone” in this post, but it can be addressed for you all too. Depends on how you perceive it haha 😅

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

Should Meeting Be Held That Often?

photo by Christina Morillo on pexels

I don’t know how many times a meeting should be held in a year/month/week (normally and ideally). I also don’t know if there’s a positive correlation between meeting intensity to employee’s performance and productivity or not.

In the company where I go to work, there’s a new boss. He just joined a few months ago. I don’t know why since this new boss joined, meeting happens almost everyday. I also don’t know what he is doing, what I do know is, since he joined, the stress level between both, staff and managers, is higher than before.

If the meeting is held only once a week, it’s normal. But if it’s done almost every day, is that reasonable? If the meeting is only for a few hours, it’s normal. But if it’s done from morning to evening (almost 8 hours of work is used for meetings) even sometimes more, is that reasonable?

Okay, back when I was a student and active in study club, I also had meetings from morning and finished till night. But it only happens once in one period, which is during a large deliberation. That is a normal thing because during large deliberation, there’s usually discussion of the articles of association and bylaws (this discussion takes a long time because it certainly needs discussion about which articles are retained and which must be changed). On large deliberations, we also choose new leaders and administrators. Remember, it only happens once, not repeatedly.

Today, one of my co-workers was upset because she had to go home late. She is married and has a daughter who is still 10 months old. So, when she gets home late, she must be thinking of her child. Yesterday, I heard she was told to come to the office on Sunday to complete the budgeting report which will be presented at the Monday meeting. Of course she refused it. What’s the reason? Of course, in order to take care of her husband and little daughter. (Eventhough I’m still single, I’ll refuse to do so)

.

Today I was only supposed to work half a day (only until 1 pm), but due to the end of the month and having to “close November books”, I had to work until 5 pm to finish the monthly report and stock opname. When I was in the parking lot, I was suddenly told to go back to the office to do “extra work” that could actually be done on Monday. I be like, “what the hell is this?!”

One of the front office employees finally asked me like this,

“what exactly were they talking about during the meeting? why is it taking so long? why isn’t it finished from morning until now?”

And I just said to her,

“I don’t know. I also questioned the same thing.”

Sorry, if this article goes wide everywhere. Actually I just expressed my curiosity, should a meeting be held that often? Does it have to be that long? Because if it only happens once or twice a year or six months or a few months, I might be able to understand. But, if it goes on almost every day, is that normal? Sorry for my stupid questions.

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy

Poem | Year End Syndrome

image by Breakingpic from Pexels

My head feels heavier
Is it gain some weigh?
Or do I carry too much numbers?
A stack of data
Analyze and Forecasr
Deadline and presentation

Higher pressure
Suddenly everyone gets fussy
Top manager give pressure to middle manager
Middle manager give pressure to supervisor
Supervisor give pressure to the staffs
Then, who’s the staff putting pressure on?

I nag to myself, “why are you so dumb and weak?”
I push her to the edge
She doesn’t accept it
I’m angry

So, should I press myself to reach a maximum point?

Yogyakarta, November 26th, 2019-08.00 p.m.

Poem | Always Wrong

Image by Johnhain from pixabay

I’ve tried

You dislike

Think that I’m silly

Think I can’t do anything right

It’s okay, I admit it

*

I’ve my priorities

You ruined

Which one should I do first?

Don’t say that I should do all of them at the same time

It’s impossible

*

If I have to sacrifice something,

should I sacrifice my health?

my time?

my happiness?

I don’t care if you think that I’m selfish

Yogyakarta, November 18th, 2019-10.57 p.m.

Poem | Where Should I Go to Escape?

If I can’t write my fate, why would I try so hard?

If there’s no change would happen, why would I still go on process?

If I can’t change the direction, why are there so many ways?

*

I wonder if my compass is broken

Cause I got confused and lost everytime I found the crossroad

What I thought would be the highway, turned out to be a steep, thorny road

What I thought would be my destiny, turned out to be my next mistakes

*

I thought everything was wrong from the start

My regret won’t be able to return the time

I want to change the direction

But, where should I go to escape?

Yogyakarta, November 11th, 2019-08.04 p.m.

Living Paradox

photo by Mads Schmidt Rasmussen on unsplash.com

When I’m being quiet, not only means I’m not interested in or I don’t understand. Maybe I’m observing, thinking, relaxing or even angry. There’re a lot of menings behind my silence.

When I’m being chatty, doesn’t mean I’m a chatter box. Cause you’re succeed in making me “out of my shell”. That’s why you can find me as a talkative.

When you think that I’m being cold cause I make a distance too far, it’s a warning that I feel intimidated, uncomfortable and unsafe.

When you think that I’m being open, warm and caring toward you, means you make me relate and connect on the deeper level. When I say that I care about you a lot, yes, I really mean it. I’m not joking or lying.

When you think that I’m being a loner cause you never see me hangout with large group of friends, doesn’t mean I hate being with people. I just prefer to be in “small circle“, so I can pay attention to them easily. (It’s difficult for me to accept and open up to someone new. But, if there’s someone who can attract and connect with me at the first meeting, usually we can be a close friend in the end. And when I got new best friend, I’ll keep him/her and our friendship for my entire life).

When you think that I don’t have friends, cause you often see me going around alone. Well, I just take my time. I need to recharge. I want to see the beauties around me. Feel the warmth of morning sunlight. Breathe in the fresh air. Hear the sound of bird chirping. Being thankful that I’m still healthy and alive.

If you think that you can’t understand me, it’s more confusing for me to understand myself. Just like all of you. I look so complicated not just in front of you, I also feel it inside.

If you think that seems like I have “duality”, well, I think you’re right. Even though most of them don’t recognize it.

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.