My dear, you know that sky isn’t always blue rain doesn’t always bring the rainbow and wind can turn into the tornado but, you’re always able to go through
My dear, there’s no perfect past so is the present and future As long as you did your best failure shouldn’t be your regret
My dear, I’m sorry for my mistreatment I’m sorry for every emotion I bottled up All I want was just hold back my tears so no one knew that I’ve cried
My dear, whoever hurt or left any scars let them pay the debts Pity on them who threw a gem for a gravel You deserve the best Better than they ever gave
They say I’m lonely going alone everywhere without group of peers or a man whom I date with
They took pity on me thinking that my life is so unlucky for not having friends or someone who stands by my side
Yeah, please, keep talking about that shit keep your shallow thinking to yourself cause we’re so unwell trained to see what unseen an amateur to dive in to the meaning
Call me a lone wolf if you want a member who’s outcasted of the pack cause of her flaws which is not cool enough to stay in, even be their shadows
I’m a lone wolf who defeat the loneliness alone who reject to be the shadow who won’t bow down to any expectation
October 14th, 2021-time when I feel the most powerful to make my day
This is our homeland. One of God’s masterpiece, home of world hundreds active volcanoes; long stretch of coastline from the west to the east; heaven of tropical rainforest, various species of exotic animals and plants.
(2)
Here, we stand to welcome the sun. Surrender ourselves to the morning for the sake of new hopes. “We’re born and die here”.
(3)
Our homeland is a piece of paradise. Mountains become the upstream of rivers and tributaries that flows happiness and life. Seeds that we sown, grow thousand grains of goodness. Human use it to support their lives.
(4)
But, our homeland is exchanged with money. Capital owners and deceitful politicians suck the citizens blood.
(5)
Mining’s everywhere, dredge up bowels of the earth. Sea and river polluted by mercury and plastic. Fishes are die. Our lungs filled with pollution.
(6)
Trees roots are not strong enough to handle the water flows. Forests are gone, converting to oil palm plantation. The villas stand tall on top of the hill, swallowing ecological areas.
(7)
When the rain comes so often, everything’s float off and die, swept away by the flood. Left pain and sorrow that will be recorded in our memory.
(8)
Our motherland endures her pain, due to the ungrateful behaviour of her children. intelligent human beings that never use their brain. Feels like the one who can take a control while they’re just souls that full of greed.
In the entertainment industry, Club 27 refers to a phenomenon of world musicians and celebs who died at age of 27 years. Starting from Janis Joplin’s death in 1970, who died two weeks after Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison was also found dead by suicide a year later, then it became the main idea behind the creation of Club 27.
In the years after, there’s also some musicians who died at 27, such as Brian Jones (1938), Robert Johnson (1938), Kurt Cobain (1994), Amy Winehouse (2001) till Korean singer and member of SHINee, Kim Jonghyun (2017).
So, what’s the correlation of all I wrote before with today’s topic? Does the author of this post have suicidal thought so she can join Club 27?
No, my dear. Who do you think I am to be at the same club with the world legend?
But, I hope that this isn’t my last post or “good bye message”.
So, what will happen when people reach their 27? Getting older, yes. Coming to late 20’s, of course. Closer to death, absolutely. But, what else?
Research shows that in 27, someone’s body naturally undergoes a biologically inevitable mental decline. Furthermore, the decline to mental disorders can lead to potential depression, such as feelings of sadness, anxiety and emptiness.
Sounds so scary, right? Is it because of the higher expectation and social pressure?
I’ve heard that the expectation and social pressure are getting higher when you reach 27. People will ask more frequently about your achievement in career, wealth and relationship (especially about your love life). For some people, these kind of questions can raise their level of insecurities and hurt their pride. This is why they will be more stress and depress easily.
Well, for the sake of my mental health, I think I should stop comparing myself with others. Because my insecurity exists and to be honest, it’s not easy to always have the right state of mind, then comparing “me in the present” with “me in the past” is better choice. So, what I have done? What I have gone through till today?
First, I care more about my body’s need and health
I used to eat late and skip meals too many times, especially when I was so busy or had many works to do.
I was so lazy to do workout. Meanwhile my work needs me to sit and staring at laptop screen for the damn 8 hours per day. So, yeah, I’m doing the little of physical activities which is not really good for my health. That’s why I need to change that habit.
Second, I try to love and accept myself for who I am
i’m a perfectionist. A little mistake or failure could make me frustrated. I’d blame myself for my mistake or failure.
One day I felt tired for hating and blaming on myself. It made me so sick.
Then I learnt to forgive myself. I embrace all of my mistakes, stupidities and failures. I embrace, cure all of my old pain and said to me, “it’s okay, you did great”.
Third, I could free me from toxic relationship
Almost a year ago, I broke up with my BF. Even we had plans to get married and we’re already knew each other’s parents.
You might ask why’d I broke my relationship if we planned to engage in long term commitment.
Well, I won’t tell you the detail. To be honest, I love him, but, the only thing I can say is surviving and bringing this kind of relationship to marriage will be disaster for us.
Yeah, It might not big changes. But, it’s like an achievement if I can improve some aspects of me or my life. And I have the right to celebrate it once again.
How many times do you have to put a smile when the words are just sweetener on the lip tip No one knows about your heart, which is like a battle field where the memories are vulnerable in front of grudges
Nothing is more toxic than a fake smile while mumbling of bad things undetected and not tasted just left a never ending chaos
If “sorry” doesn’t ever come, which one should be there first between regret and forgiveness?
I couldn’t help hearing your conversation with a middle-aged man in a stall when I passed by on Sunday at 6 am. Seems like you left your anxiety and regret to be written on an article that released at a homepage even though it couldn’t be the headline. I would like to join, but, I just kept myself away from you and started to make a new conversation because I didn’t know if it was true or just an assumption that played in my head.
I remember when you visited my veranda few days ago, you ordered a poem. Were you joking? And these verses were created, with or without you read it.
Another day you asked me “when”, when it could be an ambiguity, between literal meaning or just a metaphor. Because in a pandemic wave, red zones, restrictions and the death that stalks us even more, the question of “when” is about mystery, prediction and uncertainty.
The distance that we can reach through a screen, my words are announcement without voice but heard by you on the other side which I hope is fine.
When the world is too noisy All I can hear are just noise So, where’s the forgotten voice? Is it hidden somewhere or blend in with the society?
When I’m surrounded by these nonsenses It’s harder for me to stay sane But, as long as my steps are on the lane I’ll keep walking and pretend to not hear
When the noise makes me lose myself Let this poem be a piece of me Let it tells you of my other side and be a reflection when I make mistakes
On your footsteps to haste On a regret that comes after Me, my footsteps and those destination is the same narration with yours
I knew the emptiness in you There’s a long waiting and an old pain You’re waiting for helping hands or a drop of serenity that you feel difficult to find
Everyone will wake up from their long sleeps In my awareness, I learn about what I have to finish before giving you an answer or else I’ll end up swallow my bitter pills
Welcome to the last supper! when we have an ignorance as our appetizer, sadness is a main dish, and anxiety is a dessert that served at our table
They continue to feed us a denial Until truth and lie are interchangeable Intelligence and stupidity are just on a thin line We don’t know what and where’s the limit
You think that there’s nothing more resilient than a June rain But, we’re more than tough to drink too much tears When one by one soul has left its body Reaching an eternal peace in a better place
Give me a sign even though I’m too blind to notice Give me alerts even though I’m too stupid to know Give me greeting and farewell even you have to say,
“I’m standing at your door. I’ll come in when your time is over”
July 12th, 2021 during the second wave of pandemic
