My Thoughts on New Year Eve and New Hope for 2020

photo by Rakicevic Nenad from pexels

Every year end, people usually go outside or throw a New Year party to celebrate New Year Eve. But, I prefer to stay at home, having a quality time with my family or watching (marathon) movies or sometimes having a roasted corn and small talk with my close friends rather than go outside and trapped in traffic jam for hours (Yogyakarta, during the holiday season, especially on Christmas and New Year, is so crowded as hell).

When I told it to my coworkers, they just laughed and told me that my life is so pathetic. They often told me to looking for new lover, so my life won’t be too serious and I can be happier (the same shit that always repeating too many times in my ears). Whenever I hear that, I just smirk and “don’t care about shit” because happiness doesn’t need too much requirements. And I’m still living in a happiness even though I’m single haha.

Yeah, I mean I don’t care about how you celebrate New Year. Everyone has their own preference, right? Life is full of perspectives. If you find someone who has different preference or perspective from yours or people in general, you shouldn’t push your standard/value/preference/perspective to fit in him/her.

Not everyone should do like what you or people in general usually do. Life is about making a choice and decision, right? If I want to do ‘this’ or ‘that’, If I don’t want to do ‘this’ or ‘that’, then, it’s my choice, my decision. So, why’d you mind my own business?

2019 and New Hope for 2020

New Year isn’t complete without new hope and resolution. Instead of making unrealistic resolution, I’ll think first of what I have done in 2019. What’s something I should improve or do better? What’s my goal I want to reach next? How can I get there? etc. And I’d like to take a small action but do it consistently.

I’m glad that in 2019 I started blogging on WordPress (personal blog) and Kompasiana (citizen media), even though I couldn’t write or post something everyday. In 2019, I also moved to another company for a new job. I’m glad that I got better company and better boss than before. I hope I can make at least “a small difference and change” from my predecessor.

Sometimes, there’ll be busy day/week/month, so I have limited time to write. But, I still can manage it well when I have more leisure time (when the workloads aren’t much). I hope I can explore and improve my writing skill more in 2020.

WordPress and Kompasiana are like my home. Both of them are my place to escape from frustration. I can find many new friends who have the same vision and value with me. I can learn many things from all of you here and there.

Maybe we’re separated by boundaries, by very far distance, but, our thought and feeling are connected.

Happy New Years, everyone! I hope all of you can have great memories in 2020.

Talk to Stranger

We haven’t met each other. We’re separated by the distance. We’ve just met through blogging community. We often discuss about many things, whether it’s serious and deep things or just joking and small talk.

I know you’re a stranger, and maybe you thought the same about me? When I was still child, my mom told me to be careful and don’t trust stranger so easily. But, are you that dangerous for me?

What my mom said isn’t wrong. I should be aware too. But, sometimes I can talk and share my concerns more freely to the stranger (maybe you guys feel the same) And that’s what I feel when I talk to you. *)

*) note : even though I talk about “specific someone” in this post, but it can be addressed for you all too. Depends on how you perceive it haha 😅

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

Should Meeting Be Held That Often?

photo by Christina Morillo on pexels

I don’t know how many times a meeting should be held in a year/month/week (normally and ideally). I also don’t know if there’s a positive correlation between meeting intensity to employee’s performance and productivity or not.

In the company where I go to work, there’s a new boss. He just joined a few months ago. I don’t know why since this new boss joined, meeting happens almost everyday. I also don’t know what he is doing, what I do know is, since he joined, the stress level between both, staff and managers, is higher than before.

If the meeting is held only once a week, it’s normal. But if it’s done almost every day, is that reasonable? If the meeting is only for a few hours, it’s normal. But if it’s done from morning to evening (almost 8 hours of work is used for meetings) even sometimes more, is that reasonable?

Okay, back when I was a student and active in study club, I also had meetings from morning and finished till night. But it only happens once in one period, which is during a large deliberation. That is a normal thing because during large deliberation, there’s usually discussion of the articles of association and bylaws (this discussion takes a long time because it certainly needs discussion about which articles are retained and which must be changed). On large deliberations, we also choose new leaders and administrators. Remember, it only happens once, not repeatedly.

Today, one of my co-workers was upset because she had to go home late. She is married and has a daughter who is still 10 months old. So, when she gets home late, she must be thinking of her child. Yesterday, I heard she was told to come to the office on Sunday to complete the budgeting report which will be presented at the Monday meeting. Of course she refused it. What’s the reason? Of course, in order to take care of her husband and little daughter. (Eventhough I’m still single, I’ll refuse to do so)


Today I was only supposed to work half a day (only until 1 pm), but due to the end of the month and having to “close November books”, I had to work until 5 pm to finish the monthly report and stock opname. When I was in the parking lot, I was suddenly told to go back to the office to do “extra work” that could actually be done on Monday. I be like, “what the hell is this?!”

One of the front office employees finally asked me like this,

“what exactly were they talking about during the meeting? why is it taking so long? why isn’t it finished from morning until now?”

And I just said to her,

“I don’t know. I also questioned the same thing.”

Sorry, if this article goes wide everywhere. Actually I just expressed my curiosity, should a meeting be held that often? Does it have to be that long? Because if it only happens once or twice a year or six months or a few months, I might be able to understand. But, if it goes on almost every day, is that normal? Sorry for my stupid questions.

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy

What is Loyality For?

What is loyality for? If I have to sacrifice my health (both physically and mentally).

What is loyality for? If it makes me “far away” from my family and friends. (Remember, I use ” ” on the word far away).

What is loyality for? If I have to sacrifice my time to rest (my body has its limit. So, if my body is tired, it means I need to take a rest. Honestly, I need to understand what my body wants from me).

What is loyality for? If it makes me “far away” from God? (I need my time to pray regularly)

Sorry, if I’m so selfish. But, I can turn to be selfish when I’m too exhausted of everything or everyone around me.

Living Paradox

photo by Mads Schmidt Rasmussen on

When I’m being quiet, not only means I’m not interested in or I don’t understand. Maybe I’m observing, thinking, relaxing or even angry. There’re a lot of menings behind my silence.

When I’m being chatty, doesn’t mean I’m a chatter box. Cause you’re succeed in making me “out of my shell”. That’s why you can find me as a talkative.

When you think that I’m being cold cause I make a distance too far, it’s a warning that I feel intimidated, uncomfortable and unsafe.

When you think that I’m being open, warm and caring toward you, means you make me relate and connect on the deeper level. When I say that I care about you a lot, yes, I really mean it. I’m not joking or lying.

When you think that I’m being a loner cause you never see me hangout with large group of friends, doesn’t mean I hate being with people. I just prefer to be in “small circle“, so I can pay attention to them easily. (It’s difficult for me to accept and open up to someone new. But, if there’s someone who can attract and connect with me at the first meeting, usually we can be a close friend in the end. And when I got new best friend, I’ll keep him/her and our friendship for my entire life).

When you think that I don’t have friends, cause you often see me going around alone. Well, I just take my time. I need to recharge. I want to see the beauties around me. Feel the warmth of morning sunlight. Breathe in the fresh air. Hear the sound of bird chirping. Being thankful that I’m still healthy and alive.

If you think that you can’t understand me, it’s more confusing for me to understand myself. Just like all of you. I look so complicated not just in front of you, I also feel it inside.

If you think that seems like I have “duality”, well, I think you’re right. Even though most of them don’t recognize it.

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

Insecurities (Confession-Part 5)

photos by Bernard on

Hello, WordPress! I’m back again with the “confession series”. It’s hard enough to find the right time to write in a busy week (yeah, my works are kinda overload this week), but I’ll try my best to come back.

You know, sometimes, our societies today are so judgemental. They perceive something just on the surface not the substances. If they see something “like this” or “like that”, they assume like what they see. If they hear something “like this” or “like that”, they assume like what they hear. They don’t try to find what’s the meaning behind what they see or hear. Therefore, they often trapped in “misleading” information. People who trapped in “misleading information” can have “wrong perspective” in figuring the problems out.

Living in this “judgemental society” and cruel world, sometimes makes me insecure about myself. I know, sometimes I’m kinda overthinking even for an unnecessary thing. When I talk about my overthinking nature, it can’t be separated with my insecurities. Yeah, I often feel insecure about many things, especially myself.

“Am I doing good and right?”

“Do I make right decission? What if the others don’t like it? Would they be mad at me?”

“Could I be helpful to them? Would they like to accept me for who I am?”


Honestly, I don’t need all of eyes are always on me. Because too much attentions will annoy and stress me out. But, acceptance is important for me because rejection can break my heart, sometimes.

Insecurities can make me lack of self confidence. It drives me in negative thinking. Learning how to act indifferent is important in this kind of situation rather than focus on what others said about me. Because what they said about me isn’t always right (there’re some people say the truth and I appreciate it. some of the others are just treat me like shit and I don’t care). The other way I often try to relieve my insecurities is self love. Knowing what’s my weakness and strength is the main key of self love. Instead of blaming on my weakness, why don’t I try to accept and embrace it?

We can’t please everyone. So, there’s no urgency to be “people pleaser”. If they like me, thank you. If they don’t like me, I’ll ignore. They can talk anything behind my back, but, I won’t be affected so easily.

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy

*) For previous link

Afraid of Meeting New People (Confession-Part 4)

Okay, you might think that I’m scaredy cat. Well, actually, I’m such a coward since I was child. When I was child, I was afraid of many things. Darkness (till now), chicken (not anymore), cat (now, I’m a cat lovers), mouse (till now), cockroach (not really. as long as it’s not flying), even afraid of blender’s sound (I don’t know what you think. But, now, I think it’s hilarious lol) etc.

My mom ever told me when I was 3 years old, my dad’s friend visited our home to meet him. Because I was too young back then, I couldn’t remember that moment. I couldn’t remember what his friend looked like. Then my mom said that although he looked “scary” from the outside, actually, he’s so kind. But, I was afraid of him. I cried loudly and didn’t want to meet him. I didn’t have an idea why I cried at that time. Was it because he looked scary from the outside? or because of something else? I don’t know.

So, am I really that afraid of meeting new people? How about now? Actually, I’m not that afraid. I think instead of being afraid, it’s more like nervous and awkward. Why? Yeah, I think I’m overthinking about many things, especially meeting new people. I wonder what kind of people they are? what should I tell them? can they accept me? how should I behave and act? can we be friends? can we become close to each other? and so on. So, how do I handle this kind of situation? For me, I’ll take a deep breath , pray hopefully I meet good people and try to think positively. Although I’m nervous and awkward, I have high expectations about the new people I’ll meet (what I mean by ‘expectations’ here aren’t about looks/physical appearances. it’s about personality and behaviour). If he/she doesn’t meet my expectations, honestly, I’ll regret a little. But, I’ll try to understand and be nice to them (as long as they don’t treat me like a shit or mess up with me).

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

*) P.S. : I made small challenge for myself to confess my bad traits through writing and publish it. I do not mean to blame on myself. I do not mean to seek the attention and sympathy. I just want to reflect on myself. I want to know what should I change or what change I’ve made. If you want to check my previous post,

See you on next parts!

Keep Everything to Myself (Confession-Part 3)

source by Ulrike Mai from

Sometimes, I’m kinda jealous of those who are more expressive in their way of speaking and acting. Because it seems like they have no fears about everything. They know the art of “I dont care ’bout shit” and can apply it perfectly.

Sometimes, I’m kinda jealous of those who are more talkative. Because they can lighten up the mood. They never lack something to talk about. That’s why their existences are always be accepted and loved by many people. In every discussion or meeting, they always be heard, even though what they said was non-sense. It’s so contrast to those who are quiet and shy. They are often ignored just because they don’t talk too much and prefer to be a good listeners. We seem more interested to “good speaker” rather than “good listener” because we think that a good speaker is more attractive. Am I wrong?

Yeah, I’m a quiet and shy person. I often feel socially awkward when I have to try to meet and interact with new people. And I’m not a person who can open up and accept new people into my life so easily. Don’t get me wrong! It doesn’t mean I hate them. I just want to know first if those people can make me comfortable around them or not. I just want to know first if those people are kind and trustworthy enough or not. Like I said in my previous post, I’m very sensitive person. Believe it or not, my sensitivity can be so reactive when it comes to “read people”. If I found someone who can make me feel safe and comfortable around, I can be more talkative and expressive in front of them, even though we’re just met for the first time. But, if I couldn’t find someone like that, I can be so quiet, cold and sometimes…afraid of him/her.

So, there’re 3 reasons why I always keep everything to myself. First, because I feel uncomfortable with someone. Second, because I have trouble in finding someone who can be trusted. Third, no one wants to listen and undestand me well.

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

*) P.S.: I make small challenge for myself to confess my bad traits through writing and publish it. I do not mean to blame on myself because everyone has their own flaws. I do not mean to seek the attention and sympathy from others because I just want to reflect on myself, so I’ll know what I have to change and what changes I’ve made. If you want to check my previous writing,

See you on next parts!

Glass Heart (Confession-Part 2)

source by Marcela Bolivar on

I think it’s my biggest weakness among all weaknesses I have. On the other side, it can be my strength even though people only see it as a weakness. So, I could say that it’s my weakness and strength at the same time. Depends on the situation and condition. But, how come?

Honestly, my heart is so fragile. I’m a sensitive person who’s offended easily. . Just one word or rude behaviour you do, can make me offended (can even be remembered for a lifetime and become a grudge in my heart). I can’t handle when someone treated me so harshly. Destructive critics and rejection can make me stress and frustration. That’s why I often call myself as a “glass-hearted” person because my heart is broken easily like a glass when it’s getting hit. If you’re Indonesian, you can consider it as “baperan”.

But on the other hand, I feel it could be an advantage for me. I became more careful in my words and actions, so it’d not hurt anyone. Because I know how it feels when someone treated you like a shit. I know how it feels when there’s nobody accept who you truly are. With my glass heart, I know how to speak or act to comfort others when they’re up and down.

I realized that my overly sensitive nature was not good for me, especially in social activities and interactions with others. Since I started growing up, I learned to use my logic besides feelings. For me, logic and feelings should complement and balance each other. My overly sensitive nature may be due to lack of using my common sense. I overused my feelings. And to prevent the damage of my over sensitivity, I learn to act indifferent to those who try to mess up with me.

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

*) P.S.: I make small challenge for myself to confess my bad traits through writing and publish it. I do not mean to blame on myself because everyone has their own flaws. I do not mean to seek the attention and sympathy from others because I just want to reflect on myself, so I’ll know what I have to change and what changes I’ve made. If you want to check my previous writing,

See you on next parts!

I Don’t Want to Fall in Love Easily (Confession-Part 1)

Hello, my heart! How’s your condition? Okay, I know you’ve experienced broken heart for about thousand times in your entire life. I used to blame on that guys, but, it’s not only their mistakes. I did it too. My stupidity can’t be forgiven. Falling in love too easily. Misunderstanding about their caring nature. I thought I forgot that they did it to another girls too. I’m sorry for being unable to distinguish between love and obsession. I’m sorry for being so blind.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I need to take care of my heart. She screamed to me because she handled too much wounds. I realized that I’ve treated her carelessly. Since then till now, I’m more careful (or too careful). I’m so cold. I’m so rude. I don’t know how to do. Did I really make a distance too far? Did I kill my own feeling? Please, don’t ask me!

Someone try to be a newcomer into my life. I don’t know if he’s just passing or staying for longer time. I can’t rise my expectations even though we’re like two people who’ve known each other for many years. Please, don’t fall in love too easily!

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.