Intoduction of Toxic Positivity

photo by Aaron Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

What do you do when negative emotions, like sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, disgusted, etc hits you? What’d you say to people you care about, when they tell you their problems? Do you show them an empathy or toxic positivity?

We might not realize that we can be victim or culprit of toxic positivity at the same time. So, what’s toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity can be defined as excessive and inneffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situation

(thepsychologygroup.com)

To give you an easier explanation (I hope), I’ll show you some example below.

Situation 1

Your friend has broke up with her boyfriend. She’s really heartbroken. She’s crying out loud and needs someone to talk to. Then she came to you and told you her problems. As a response, you told her some “encouragement words” ,such as :

” Be positive”
“Look on the bright side”
“Don’t give up”
“Everything’s gonna be alright”
“Moving on” (etc)

(In Bahasa, you often say, “sabar ya..”, “semangat ya..”, “jangan nyerah”, “udah ikhlasin aja” etc)

Situation 2

You told your best friend that you’re defamed by your coworker. It really damaged your reputation that you’ve developed for many years. And your boss was starting to lose his trust in you. Then, your best friend compared your problem with hers or others. She compared which one is more pathetic. She compared who suffers more between you and her or others. In the other hand, she just talked about herself, didn’t pay attention of what you’re saying.

If you have experienced those kind of situation, well, that’s toxic positivity. For situation 1, your friend become the victim of toxic postivity. And you become the one who throws toxic positivity. Meanwhile situation 2 is the opposite of situation 1.

There’re some characteristics of toxic positivity.

  1. Denial. Toxic positivity is fake positivity. It makes people deny and pretend to be happy just to cover their negative emotions. They’ll refuse to be honest to their true emotions and feelings.
  2. Unrealistic. Toxic positivity puts us as if we always have to be happy and positive. Life is up and down. Our life is not always at the top. We can’t always laugh. Sometimes we can cry. The encouragemnt words like I told you in situation 1, look good and motivating. But, it’s kinda problematic and unrealistic. Why? Some of you might disagree with me. Some of you might answer, “I just try to motivate his/her, so he/she can forget his/her problems. Where’s the mistake?”. Well, I suggest you to read it till the end cause the answer will be revealed (implicitly) on the next part.
  3. Comparing who suffers more. Like the example on situation 2, toxic positivity thinks others problem is nothing compare to our problems.

So, what should we do to avoid toxic positivity?

  1. Admitting and understanding your negative emotions. Negative emotions are normal. You don’t need to hide your true emotions by smiling or pretending that you’re okay. Cause it’s okay to not be fine (sometimes).
  2. Releasing your true emotions. If you’re sad after breaking up, you can cry. If someone treats you like a shit, you can angry. When you’ll have a presentation on annual meeting, it’s normal if you’re nervous, especially if it’s your first time. Why do we have to hide it? Why do we have to lie, like everything is okay? Hiding your emotions will damage your mental health in long term.
  3. Learning to control your emotions. Controlling emotions is different from hiding emotions. If you want learn how to control your emotions, you should admit and know first, what kind of emotions do you feel, what do you want. And you won’t ever know your emotions well, if the things you do is denial.
  4. Be a good listener. Don’t interupt someone who tells you her/his problem. Listen and pay attention to what they’re talking about. That’s the reason why God gives us 2 ears and 1 mouth.
  5. Don’t compare who suffers more. Our problem might be the same. But, our strength in facing the problem might be different. What you think is easy, can be difficult for others and vice versa.
  6. Giving the right response. I know it’s hard to give the right response and honestly, I often act like Ms.Know-It-All to them (I’m so sorry T_T). So, what’d you say? You can show them that you care about their condition by saying, :

“I’m deeply sorry to hear that”
“I know it’s really hard for you”
“If I were you, I’d feel the same” (etc
.)

Or… you can give physical touch if necessary (and if he/she doesn’t mind about it), like patting his/her shoulder, hugs, etc. Then, you can offer him/her to talk (or even crying) more till he/she feels better and satisfied. If he/she asks you for an advice, please, do it wisely. If he/she doesn’t ask, please, don’t be Mr/Mrs/Ms Know-It-All (Tbh, it’s the hardest part I should change from myself). Cause sometimes someone only needs to be heard, not asking for advice.


The First 10 Days of Ramadhan (Not A Bedtime Story)

Assalamualaikum, Ramadhan!

How do you feel today? Please, forgive us for not giving you a warm and cheerful greeting like previous years. It doesn’t mean that we’re not happy for your coming. But, this pandemic makes us to stay at home for school, work and pray. In other words, we make our home as a center of our activities, including praying. Yeah, you know, prevent is better than cure.

Although there’s no greeting like usual, I’m still thankful to Him for giving me health and chance to meet you again. And I didn’t realize that first 10 days will pass soon. So, there’s something I want to confess.

I’m sorry if I still let my laziness control me. I feel like I treat you so badly by not showing my gratitude and interest toward you. I still often procrastinate to pray on time. I still often prioritize worldly pleasure over the more important things. And this heart still keeps hatred, jealousy, prejudice etc. It makes me think, am I too weak so the devil inside me can’t be defeated easily?

Well, if you feel disappointed, I can understand why. Cause if I were you, I’d feel the same. So, would you like to give me chance on 20 days left?

Yogyakarta, May 3rd, 2020-10.22 p.m.

What is Loyality For?

What is loyality for? If I have to sacrifice my health (both physically and mentally).

What is loyality for? If it makes me “far away” from my family and friends. (Remember, I use ” ” on the word far away).

What is loyality for? If I have to sacrifice my time to rest (my body has its limit. So, if my body is tired, it means I need to take a rest. Honestly, I need to understand what my body wants from me).

What is loyality for? If it makes me “far away” from God? (I need my time to pray regularly)

Sorry, if I’m so selfish. But, I can turn to be selfish when I’m too exhausted of everything or everyone around me.

Insecurities (Confession-Part 5)

photos by Bernard on unsplash.com

Hello, WordPress! I’m back again with the “confession series”. It’s hard enough to find the right time to write in a busy week (yeah, my works are kinda overload this week), but I’ll try my best to come back.

You know, sometimes, our societies today are so judgemental. They perceive something just on the surface not the substances. If they see something “like this” or “like that”, they assume like what they see. If they hear something “like this” or “like that”, they assume like what they hear. They don’t try to find what’s the meaning behind what they see or hear. Therefore, they often trapped in “misleading” information. People who trapped in “misleading information” can have “wrong perspective” in figuring the problems out.

Living in this “judgemental society” and cruel world, sometimes makes me insecure about myself. I know, sometimes I’m kinda overthinking even for an unnecessary thing. When I talk about my overthinking nature, it can’t be separated with my insecurities. Yeah, I often feel insecure about many things, especially myself.

“Am I doing good and right?”

“Do I make right decission? What if the others don’t like it? Would they be mad at me?”

“Could I be helpful to them? Would they like to accept me for who I am?”

Etc.

Honestly, I don’t need all of eyes are always on me. Because too much attentions will annoy and stress me out. But, acceptance is important for me because rejection can break my heart, sometimes.

Insecurities can make me lack of self confidence. It drives me in negative thinking. Learning how to act indifferent is important in this kind of situation rather than focus on what others said about me. Because what they said about me isn’t always right (there’re some people say the truth and I appreciate it. some of the others are just treat me like shit and I don’t care). The other way I often try to relieve my insecurities is self love. Knowing what’s my weakness and strength is the main key of self love. Instead of blaming on my weakness, why don’t I try to accept and embrace it?

We can’t please everyone. So, there’s no urgency to be “people pleaser”. If they like me, thank you. If they don’t like me, I’ll ignore. They can talk anything behind my back, but, I won’t be affected so easily.

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy

*) For previous link https://lunaseptalisa.wordpress.com/2019/10/08/afraid-of-meeting-new-people-confession-part-4/

Afraid of Meeting New People (Confession-Part 4)

Okay, you might think that I’m scaredy cat. Well, actually, I’m such a coward since I was child. When I was child, I was afraid of many things. Darkness (till now), chicken (not anymore), cat (now, I’m a cat lovers), mouse (till now), cockroach (not really. as long as it’s not flying), even afraid of blender’s sound (I don’t know what you think. But, now, I think it’s hilarious lol) etc.

My mom ever told me when I was 3 years old, my dad’s friend visited our home to meet him. Because I was too young back then, I couldn’t remember that moment. I couldn’t remember what his friend looked like. Then my mom said that although he looked “scary” from the outside, actually, he’s so kind. But, I was afraid of him. I cried loudly and didn’t want to meet him. I didn’t have an idea why I cried at that time. Was it because he looked scary from the outside? or because of something else? I don’t know.

So, am I really that afraid of meeting new people? How about now? Actually, I’m not that afraid. I think instead of being afraid, it’s more like nervous and awkward. Why? Yeah, I think I’m overthinking about many things, especially meeting new people. I wonder what kind of people they are? what should I tell them? can they accept me? how should I behave and act? can we be friends? can we become close to each other? and so on. So, how do I handle this kind of situation? For me, I’ll take a deep breath , pray hopefully I meet good people and try to think positively. Although I’m nervous and awkward, I have high expectations about the new people I’ll meet (what I mean by ‘expectations’ here aren’t about looks/physical appearances. it’s about personality and behaviour). If he/she doesn’t meet my expectations, honestly, I’ll regret a little. But, I’ll try to understand and be nice to them (as long as they don’t treat me like a shit or mess up with me).

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

*) P.S. : I made small challenge for myself to confess my bad traits through writing and publish it. I do not mean to blame on myself. I do not mean to seek the attention and sympathy. I just want to reflect on myself. I want to know what should I change or what change I’ve made. If you want to check my previous post, https://lunaseptalisa.wordpress.com/2019/10/06/keep-everything-to-myself-confession-part-3/

See you on next parts!

Keep Everything to Myself (Confession-Part 3)

source by Ulrike Mai from pixabay.com

Sometimes, I’m kinda jealous of those who are more expressive in their way of speaking and acting. Because it seems like they have no fears about everything. They know the art of “I dont care ’bout shit” and can apply it perfectly.

Sometimes, I’m kinda jealous of those who are more talkative. Because they can lighten up the mood. They never lack something to talk about. That’s why their existences are always be accepted and loved by many people. In every discussion or meeting, they always be heard, even though what they said was non-sense. It’s so contrast to those who are quiet and shy. They are often ignored just because they don’t talk too much and prefer to be a good listeners. We seem more interested to “good speaker” rather than “good listener” because we think that a good speaker is more attractive. Am I wrong?

Yeah, I’m a quiet and shy person. I often feel socially awkward when I have to try to meet and interact with new people. And I’m not a person who can open up and accept new people into my life so easily. Don’t get me wrong! It doesn’t mean I hate them. I just want to know first if those people can make me comfortable around them or not. I just want to know first if those people are kind and trustworthy enough or not. Like I said in my previous post, I’m very sensitive person. Believe it or not, my sensitivity can be so reactive when it comes to “read people”. If I found someone who can make me feel safe and comfortable around, I can be more talkative and expressive in front of them, even though we’re just met for the first time. But, if I couldn’t find someone like that, I can be so quiet, cold and sometimes…afraid of him/her.

So, there’re 3 reasons why I always keep everything to myself. First, because I feel uncomfortable with someone. Second, because I have trouble in finding someone who can be trusted. Third, no one wants to listen and undestand me well.

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

*) P.S.: I make small challenge for myself to confess my bad traits through writing and publish it. I do not mean to blame on myself because everyone has their own flaws. I do not mean to seek the attention and sympathy from others because I just want to reflect on myself, so I’ll know what I have to change and what changes I’ve made. If you want to check my previous writing, https://lunaseptalisa.wordpress.com/2019/10/05/glass-heart-confession-part-2/

See you on next parts!

Glass Heart (Confession-Part 2)

source by Marcela Bolivar on pixabay.com

I think it’s my biggest weakness among all weaknesses I have. On the other side, it can be my strength even though people only see it as a weakness. So, I could say that it’s my weakness and strength at the same time. Depends on the situation and condition. But, how come?

Honestly, my heart is so fragile. I’m a sensitive person who’s offended easily. . Just one word or rude behaviour you do, can make me offended (can even be remembered for a lifetime and become a grudge in my heart). I can’t handle when someone treated me so harshly. Destructive critics and rejection can make me stress and frustration. That’s why I often call myself as a “glass-hearted” person because my heart is broken easily like a glass when it’s getting hit. If you’re Indonesian, you can consider it as “baperan”.

But on the other hand, I feel it could be an advantage for me. I became more careful in my words and actions, so it’d not hurt anyone. Because I know how it feels when someone treated you like a shit. I know how it feels when there’s nobody accept who you truly are. With my glass heart, I know how to speak or act to comfort others when they’re up and down.

I realized that my overly sensitive nature was not good for me, especially in social activities and interactions with others. Since I started growing up, I learned to use my logic besides feelings. For me, logic and feelings should complement and balance each other. My overly sensitive nature may be due to lack of using my common sense. I overused my feelings. And to prevent the damage of my over sensitivity, I learn to act indifferent to those who try to mess up with me.

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

*) P.S.: I make small challenge for myself to confess my bad traits through writing and publish it. I do not mean to blame on myself because everyone has their own flaws. I do not mean to seek the attention and sympathy from others because I just want to reflect on myself, so I’ll know what I have to change and what changes I’ve made. If you want to check my previous writing, https://lunaseptalisa.wordpress.com/2019/10/04/i-dont-want-to-fall-in-love-easily-confession-part-1/

See you on next parts!

I Don’t Want to Fall in Love Easily (Confession-Part 1)

Hello, my heart! How’s your condition? Okay, I know you’ve experienced broken heart for about thousand times in your entire life. I used to blame on that guys, but, it’s not only their mistakes. I did it too. My stupidity can’t be forgiven. Falling in love too easily. Misunderstanding about their caring nature. I thought I forgot that they did it to another girls too. I’m sorry for being unable to distinguish between love and obsession. I’m sorry for being so blind.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I need to take care of my heart. She screamed to me because she handled too much wounds. I realized that I’ve treated her carelessly. Since then till now, I’m more careful (or too careful). I’m so cold. I’m so rude. I don’t know how to do. Did I really make a distance too far? Did I kill my own feeling? Please, don’t ask me!

Someone try to be a newcomer into my life. I don’t know if he’s just passing or staying for longer time. I can’t rise my expectations even though we’re like two people who’ve known each other for many years. Please, don’t fall in love too easily!

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

My Journey to 100 Posts

source : screenshoot from mobile phone

Reading and writing are like breath to me. I love reading and writing since I was in primary school. When I was in middle and high school, I joined journalistic club which suits my interests in writing. Even when I entered college, I still wrote for campus bulletin or magazine sometimes. But, I’ve never submitted or published my works in media that allows more people to read. The classic reason I often use : I’m shy and afraid. So, my writing is only known and read limitedly.

Then, because I was too focused on my study, I spent 3 years without writing at all. I came back again in the beginning of 2019 after experiencing internal battle with my inner self. But, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to start again after 3 years hiatus. I felt like my writing skill is gone.

In the middle of March 2019, I dared myself to start blogging on wordpress. It’s not easy for me to attract and gain the readers. But, it’s not the only difficulties I have to face. Lack of inspirations, writer’s block, inconsistency, laziness, procrastination, mood swings even fears are the things I have to fight and conquer.

Previously, I wrote my posts on this blog in my own language (Indonesian). One time, I tried to write in English then posted it here. I found out that I could gain more readers than before (mostly international readers). Then, I repeated it several times till someday I found that my posts got pretty positive responses from readers. That’s why, I always write my posts in English here.

source : screenshoot of my 100th post on wordpress

I also joined online community writing and writer’s forum in one of online media in my country to learn more from senior and professional writers there. Since then, I always learn to write in 2 languages at once : Indonesian (on community writing and writer’s forum) and English (on wordpress).

Whether it’s on community writing, writer’s forum or wordpress, all of them give me chance to connect with others from different background (on wordpress I could communicate with many international bloggers). All of bloggers I’ve ever interacted with, left different impressions on me. They have their own characteristics, styles and uniqueness in expressing their thoughts and emotions. Honestly, I got many inspirations from them (you guys are the best!!! ^-^).

Last but not least, I’d like to say “thank you” for your supports and appreciations to me. Without you, my site won’t go this far. I’m sorry if my writing still suck and bore you to the death. I know I’m not that good T_T. Well, I’ll end it with a poem. Here it is.

100

Full, crowded, noisy
Is my head going to explode?
Is my heart going to burnt?
Let them out of your head
Let them out of your heart
Let them stick on this blank page

I didn’t know what to do
till I found you
100 posts since March
100 posts with rise and fall
100 times fall but 1000 times rise

I have no words to left anymore
except “thank you” and “i love you”

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy

*) Notes : If you have any critics/advices/opinions/anything about my writings, you can tell me on the comment section below.