What Would I Learn in My 28’s?

photo by Pixabay

Today, I’m 28. Time flies so fast.

There’s no special thing today. But the most important thing I should be grateful today is I’m still alive. I’m so thankful for every breath I take, every spoon of rice I eat, every drop of water I drink, every good and evil I experience, every smile and tears that accompany me in 28 years of my journey.

Based on my age, everyone knows that I’m legally adult. But, it doesn’t mean I’m more mature in the term of mentality. There’re still many aspects of my life that need to be improved. So, here they are.

Be kind to myself

As a perfectionist person, I admit that it’s kinda stressful. I’ll think and analyze literally everything before take an action or making a decision: every pros and cons, which one is better till the impact for others. Small mistake can make me overthinking for almost a whole fucking day.

Sometimes, my perfectionism is useful in some conditions. But, on the other day, it gives me a hard time.

Some people told me that I’m being too hard on myself and they suggest me to be more relaxed.

Instead of removing my perfectionist persona, I’ll try to control it. I’ll try to be more gentle, kind and nice to myself, especially in my dark days. I’ll try to not belittle myself if I make mistakes or fail on something.

It’s okay to have mistakes as long as I learn how to fix them. At least, I’ve tried.

Be more assertive

Another trait I hate the most about myself is I’m kinda people-pleaser.

Honestly, I find myself difficult to say “no”. Although my intuition gives me a “danger” signal, I often ignore it because I’m afraid of what they’d think or talk about me. And that’s really unhealthy on the certain level.

This kind of trait have trapped me in some toxic relationships in the past, especially romantic relationship.

So, as I’m getting older, I need to learn how to set personal boundaries. I also need to learn to say “no” if I don’t want or like something. Of course, in a proper and respectful way.

Be more chill when someone ask meWhen will you marry?”

One of the things I hate for being an Indonesian girl is you’ll be questioned about marriage when you’re in your 20’s.

When you almost reach 30 and still single, the pressure to get married is getting stronger.

Most of my friends around my age are married. Some of them have baby. Luckily, they never make fun of my status.

My worries come from relatives, especially when we have family gathering during Eid al-Fitr. Lately, they ask me more often if I have boyfriend or not (read: it’s a sign of pressure I told you before). I’d hate them more if they dare to compare my life and status to their youth or anyone else out there.

My parents aren’t like them, but I’m still worried that in the future they’ll do the same because this their unworthy daughter can’t fulfill our social expectations. (I hope they won’t be affected).

Tbh, finding a suitable partner for me can be tiresome because falling in love isn’t an easy thing for me. But, if there’s a man who can make me head over heels to him, I can make him the one and only.

sunset in the beginning of September

Women in Our Society: How to Handle The Social Pressure

As a woman myself, I’m so familiar with stereotype, stigma, sexism and discrimination that make women (in general) live under pressure.

Women have to be beautiful, sweet, gentle, soft-spoken, well-manner and obedient.

Women aren’t allowed to be fat or chubby because they’ll look ugly. But, women can’t be too skinny either–because according to some men out there–they’re not nice to hug or sexy enough.

For further reading, check out my latest post on inspirasianakita.com on English Corner section.

[Introduction] Inspirasiana Proudly Present

source: screenshot from inspirasianakita.com’s homepage
inspirasiana logo-source: private document

Inspirasiana is a community that concerns of nation’s literacy and education. It’s established by a group of authors who are active in social blog Kompasiana, on September 2020.

As a new and growing community, we need your support for our new website: www.inspirasianakita.com.

We provide various categorizes, from lifestyle to travel, sports to health, inspirational stories to literacy, educational tips to culture etc. You can also get the information about our “Taman Baca” at Soa (NTT) and Boyolali (Central Java) on the website.

The profit that we get from Google Ads will be used for funding of our community programs, including “Taman Baca” development. One click from you is valuable for us. So, visit us to enjoy and get the insight from the articles that our contributors have written.

Poem | Lone Wolf

photo by Federico Di Dio photography on Unsplash

They say I’m lonely
going alone everywhere
without group of peers
or a man whom I date with

They took pity on me
thinking that my life is so unlucky
for not having friends
or someone who stands by my side

Yeah, please, keep talking about that shit
keep your shallow thinking to yourself
cause we’re so unwell trained to see what unseen
an amateur to dive in to the meaning

Call me a lone wolf if you want
a member who’s outcasted of the pack
cause of her flaws
which is not cool enough to stay in, even be their shadows

I’m a lone wolf
who defeat the loneliness alone
who reject to be the shadow
who won’t bow down to any expectation

October 14th, 2021-time when I feel the most powerful to make my day

“Welcome to The Club 27! Wish You a Long Live”

source : jogja.tribunnews.com

In the entertainment industry, Club 27 refers to a phenomenon of world musicians and celebs who died at age of 27 years. Starting from Janis Joplin’s death in 1970, who died two weeks after Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison was also found dead by suicide a year later, then it became the main idea behind the creation of Club 27.

In the years after, there’s also some musicians who died at 27, such as Brian Jones (1938), Robert Johnson (1938), Kurt Cobain (1994), Amy Winehouse (2001) till Korean singer and member of SHINee, Kim Jonghyun (2017).

So, what’s the correlation of all I wrote before with today’s topic? Does the author of this post have suicidal thought so she can join Club 27?

No, my dear. Who do you think I am to be at the same club with the world legend?

But, I hope that this isn’t my last post or “good bye message”.

So, what will happen when people reach their 27? Getting older, yes. Coming to late 20’s, of course. Closer to death, absolutely. But, what else?

Research shows that in 27, someone’s body naturally undergoes a biologically inevitable mental decline. Furthermore, the decline to mental disorders can lead to potential depression, such as feelings of sadness, anxiety and emptiness.

Sounds so scary, right? Is it because of the higher expectation and social pressure?

I’ve heard that the expectation and social pressure are getting higher when you reach 27. People will ask more frequently about your achievement in career, wealth and relationship (especially about your love life). For some people, these kind of questions can raise their level of insecurities and hurt their pride. This is why they will be more stress and depress easily.

Well, for the sake of my mental health, I think I should stop comparing myself with others. Because my insecurity exists and to be honest, it’s not easy to always have the right state of mind, then comparing “me in the present” with “me in the past” is better choice. So, what I have done? What I have gone through till today?

First, I care more about my body’s need and health

I used to eat late and skip meals too many times, especially when I was so busy or had many works to do.

I was so lazy to do workout. Meanwhile my work needs me to sit and staring at laptop screen for the damn 8 hours per day. So, yeah, I’m doing the little of physical activities which is not really good for my health. That’s why I need to change that habit.

Second, I try to love and accept myself for who I am

i’m a perfectionist. A little mistake or failure could make me frustrated. I’d blame myself for my mistake or failure.

One day I felt tired for hating and blaming on myself. It made me so sick.

Then I learnt to forgive myself. I embrace all of my mistakes, stupidities and failures. I embrace, cure all of my old pain and said to me, “it’s okay, you did great”.

Third, I could free me from toxic relationship

Almost a year ago, I broke up with my BF. Even we had plans to get married and we’re already knew each other’s parents.

You might ask why’d I broke my relationship if we planned to engage in long term commitment.

Well, I won’t tell you the detail. To be honest, I love him, but, the only thing I can say is surviving and bringing this kind of relationship to marriage will be disaster for us.

Yeah, It might not big changes. But, it’s like an achievement if I can improve some aspects of me or my life. And I have the right to celebrate it once again.

Thanks for reading and have a great day

September 1st, 2021

Here, I am (A Letter)

photo by John-Mark Smith

Hi, WordPress and all,

It’s been a while since my last post in the middle of September 2020 ago. A lot of things happened to me in 2020. Good, bad, bitter, sweet, sadness, happiness etc. I’ve had to struggle to keep my health and sanity as well. Thankfully, I could handle it. So, how’s your 2020? I hope you all did great.

As I’ve ever said on my old posts, writing means a lot to me. My hobby, my passion, my way to express thought and feeling, my way to share and encourage others, even my stress reliever. That’s why I still write during my absence on WordPress. Yeah, I keep writing, but on another platform.

I’ve thought to quit and leave WordPress before. But, it’s also dilematic at the same time. I wanted to quit and leave. But, what’s the reason?

I’m not the one who loves to do something without any specific purpose and reason. If I don’t know why I should do something, if I don’t know what I’m doing it for, then I might doubt of what I do. So, here I am. Come back.

Well, it’s a bit awkward to write this kind of letter excuse. Since I haven’t written anything in English for almost 5 months, I’m sorry if I couldn’t state my word properly.

Sincerely yours,

Luna

Intoduction of Toxic Positivity

photo by Aaron Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

What do you do when negative emotions, like sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, disgusted, etc hits you? What’d you say to people you care about, when they tell you their problems? Do you show them an empathy or toxic positivity?

We might not realize that we can be victim or culprit of toxic positivity at the same time. So, what’s toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity can be defined as excessive and inneffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situation

(thepsychologygroup.com)

To give you an easier explanation (I hope), I’ll show you some example below.

Situation 1

Your friend has broke up with her boyfriend. She’s really heartbroken. She’s crying out loud and needs someone to talk to. Then she came to you and told you her problems. As a response, you told her some “encouragement words” ,such as :

” Be positive”
“Look on the bright side”
“Don’t give up”
“Everything’s gonna be alright”
“Moving on” (etc)

(In Bahasa, you often say, “sabar ya..”, “semangat ya..”, “jangan nyerah”, “udah ikhlasin aja” etc)

Situation 2

You told your best friend that you’re defamed by your coworker. It really damaged your reputation that you’ve developed for many years. And your boss was starting to lose his trust in you. Then, your best friend compared your problem with hers or others. She compared which one is more pathetic. She compared who suffers more between you and her or others. In the other hand, she just talked about herself, didn’t pay attention of what you’re saying.

If you have experienced those kind of situation, well, that’s toxic positivity. For situation 1, your friend become the victim of toxic postivity. And you become the one who throws toxic positivity. Meanwhile situation 2 is the opposite of situation 1.

There’re some characteristics of toxic positivity.

  1. Denial. Toxic positivity is fake positivity. It makes people deny and pretend to be happy just to cover their negative emotions. They’ll refuse to be honest to their true emotions and feelings.
  2. Unrealistic. Toxic positivity puts us as if we always have to be happy and positive. Life is up and down. Our life is not always at the top. We can’t always laugh. Sometimes we can cry. The encouragemnt words like I told you in situation 1, look good and motivating. But, it’s kinda problematic and unrealistic. Why? Some of you might disagree with me. Some of you might answer, “I just try to motivate his/her, so he/she can forget his/her problems. Where’s the mistake?”. Well, I suggest you to read it till the end cause the answer will be revealed (implicitly) on the next part.
  3. Comparing who suffers more. Like the example on situation 2, toxic positivity thinks others problem is nothing compare to our problems.

So, what should we do to avoid toxic positivity?

  1. Admitting and understanding your negative emotions. Negative emotions are normal. You don’t need to hide your true emotions by smiling or pretending that you’re okay. Cause it’s okay to not be fine (sometimes).
  2. Releasing your true emotions. If you’re sad after breaking up, you can cry. If someone treats you like a shit, you can angry. When you’ll have a presentation on annual meeting, it’s normal if you’re nervous, especially if it’s your first time. Why do we have to hide it? Why do we have to lie, like everything is okay? Hiding your emotions will damage your mental health in long term.
  3. Learning to control your emotions. Controlling emotions is different from hiding emotions. If you want learn how to control your emotions, you should admit and know first, what kind of emotions do you feel, what do you want. And you won’t ever know your emotions well, if the things you do is denial.
  4. Be a good listener. Don’t interupt someone who tells you her/his problem. Listen and pay attention to what they’re talking about. That’s the reason why God gives us 2 ears and 1 mouth.
  5. Don’t compare who suffers more. Our problem might be the same. But, our strength in facing the problem might be different. What you think is easy, can be difficult for others and vice versa.
  6. Giving the right response. I know it’s hard to give the right response and honestly, I often act like Ms.Know-It-All to them (I’m so sorry T_T). So, what’d you say? You can show them that you care about their condition by saying, :

“I’m deeply sorry to hear that”
“I know it’s really hard for you”
“If I were you, I’d feel the same” (etc
.)

Or… you can give physical touch if necessary (and if he/she doesn’t mind about it), like patting his/her shoulder, hugs, etc. Then, you can offer him/her to talk (or even crying) more till he/she feels better and satisfied. If he/she asks you for an advice, please, do it wisely. If he/she doesn’t ask, please, don’t be Mr/Mrs/Ms Know-It-All (Tbh, it’s the hardest part I should change from myself). Cause sometimes someone only needs to be heard, not asking for advice.


The First 10 Days of Ramadhan (Not A Bedtime Story)

Assalamualaikum, Ramadhan!

How do you feel today? Please, forgive us for not giving you a warm and cheerful greeting like previous years. It doesn’t mean that we’re not happy for your coming. But, this pandemic makes us to stay at home for school, work and pray. In other words, we make our home as a center of our activities, including praying. Yeah, you know, prevent is better than cure.

Although there’s no greeting like usual, I’m still thankful to Him for giving me health and chance to meet you again. And I didn’t realize that first 10 days will pass soon. So, there’s something I want to confess.

I’m sorry if I still let my laziness control me. I feel like I treat you so badly by not showing my gratitude and interest toward you. I still often procrastinate to pray on time. I still often prioritize worldly pleasure over the more important things. And this heart still keeps hatred, jealousy, prejudice etc. It makes me think, am I too weak so the devil inside me can’t be defeated easily?

Well, if you feel disappointed, I can understand why. Cause if I were you, I’d feel the same. So, would you like to give me chance on 20 days left?

Yogyakarta, May 3rd, 2020-10.22 p.m.

What is Loyality For?

What is loyality for? If I have to sacrifice my health (both physically and mentally).

What is loyality for? If it makes me “far away” from my family and friends. (Remember, I use ” ” on the word far away).

What is loyality for? If I have to sacrifice my time to rest (my body has its limit. So, if my body is tired, it means I need to take a rest. Honestly, I need to understand what my body wants from me).

What is loyality for? If it makes me “far away” from God? (I need my time to pray regularly)

Sorry, if I’m so selfish. But, I can turn to be selfish when I’m too exhausted of everything or everyone around me.