A woman has written her own sins for more than a quarter of century
Someone or something in her past might hunt her
She’s so worried, what if it chase her in her dream and make her out of breath?
“You should be in a history. Why did you come?”
“I was a history that you wrote with your lies. Seems like you repeated them too many times. Aren’t you afraid of karma?“
November 16th, 2022
Today, I’m 28. Time flies so fast.
There’s no special thing today. But the most important thing I should be grateful today is I’m still alive. I’m so thankful for every breath I take, every spoon of rice I eat, every drop of water I drink, every good and evil I experience, every smile and tears that accompany me in 28 years of my journey.
Based on my age, everyone knows that I’m legally adult. But, it doesn’t mean I’m more mature in the term of mentality. There’re still many aspects of my life that need to be improved. So, here they are.
Be kind to myself
As a perfectionist person, I admit that it’s kinda stressful. I’ll think and analyze literally everything before take an action or making a decision: every pros and cons, which one is better till the impact for others. Small mistake can make me overthinking for almost a whole fucking day.
Sometimes, my perfectionism is useful in some conditions. But, on the other day, it gives me a hard time.
Some people told me that I’m being too hard on myself and they suggest me to be more relaxed.
Instead of removing my perfectionist persona, I’ll try to control it. I’ll try to be more gentle, kind and nice to myself, especially in my dark days. I’ll try to not belittle myself if I make mistakes or fail on something.
It’s okay to have mistakes as long as I learn how to fix them. At least, I’ve tried.
Be more assertive
Another trait I hate the most about myself is I’m kinda people-pleaser.
Honestly, I find myself difficult to say “no”. Although my intuition gives me a “danger” signal, I often ignore it because I’m afraid of what they’d think or talk about me. And that’s really unhealthy on the certain level.
This kind of trait have trapped me in some toxic relationships in the past, especially romantic relationship.
So, as I’m getting older, I need to learn how to set personal boundaries. I also need to learn to say “no” if I don’t want or like something. Of course, in a proper and respectful way.
Be more chill when someone ask me “When will you marry?”
One of the things I hate for being an Indonesian girl is you’ll be questioned about marriage when you’re in your 20’s.
When you almost reach 30 and still single, the pressure to get married is getting stronger.
Most of my friends around my age are married. Some of them have baby. Luckily, they never make fun of my status.
My worries come from relatives, especially when we have family gathering during Eid al-Fitr. Lately, they ask me more often if I have boyfriend or not (read: it’s a sign of pressure I told you before). I’d hate them more if they dare to compare my life and status to their youth or anyone else out there.
My parents aren’t like them, but I’m still worried that in the future they’ll do the same because this their unworthy daughter can’t fulfill our social expectations. (I hope they won’t be affected).
Tbh, finding a suitable partner for me can be tiresome because falling in love isn’t an easy thing for me. But, if there’s a man who can make me head over heels to him, I can make him the one and only.
sunset in the beginning of September
You can do and pray for the best
But, don’t think too much
I can or can’t be yours
Depends on how destiny unites us
I can sense you worries from afar
But, I can’t tell you more than I know
If He still gives you time, let’s be friend
If He gives you the last call, then it’s the best for you
Sincerely yours,
Your future
Friday night, before sleep
Please, be kind to yourself
Stop looking for me
Once or twice is okay
Maybe you miss me
Or just want to take a lesson
But, don’t forget to leave soon
Cause I’m no longer your companion
Don’t you dare to bring me to your today and tomorrow
If you don’t let me go, then I’ll be your burden
Sincerely yours,
Your past
Friday afternoon
Have you ever thought why I blocked your number?
I hope you’ll find the answer and stop calling or texting
But, you don’t get it
I’m frustrated
Guess who’s the real simp?
Who can’t move on?
I used to think that it was me
I asked myself: “was it feeling or a well? how could it be so deep?”
I want to love you for one more time
For the sake of a reason to wake up every morning
Or why I should dress up and smile more
But, I realized that you look like my mistakes that I don’t want to repeat
August 9th, 2022
My poem was born from words’ womb
My words were born from imagination
My imagination was born from observation
My observation was born from curiousity
They’re born without father
and don’t need him
But, they have mother
who will always love and take care of
so that they can grow up: bigger, higher, wilder
and at the same time: killer (if they could be)
August 4th, 2020
As a woman myself, I’m so familiar with stereotype, stigma, sexism and discrimination that make women (in general) live under pressure.
Women have to be beautiful, sweet, gentle, soft-spoken, well-manner and obedient.
Women aren’t allowed to be fat or chubby because they’ll look ugly. But, women can’t be too skinny either–because according to some men out there–they’re not nice to hug or sexy enough.
…
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We don’t need too much time to know each other’s name
Knowing each other’s stories are different cases
Even we parted and created our own path
We’ve been together at the same line
Now you’re fine
Having a better life without me there
Don’t worry, I’m doing good here
Live my life to the fullest
We never know when we meet our fate
You’re with her
And I’m with someone else
Just take it slow
Follow His scenario
And for some reasons, it’s not a sin to choose to not fall in love
April 18th, 2022
To whom should I sell this pain?
Maybe I could get a healing as an exchange
But, no one wants to buy
Although I gave the lowest price
Still no one wants
They said, “Don’t you know that we have the same pain as yours? We have too much” (while pointing at their chest)
I stopped selling or offering my pain
I’ll keep it, here and there
Based on its timeline
And in a place where it should be : the cemetery that I built in my mind
November 19th, 2021
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