To whom should I sell this pain?
Maybe I could get a healing as an exchange
But, no one wants to buy
Although I gave the lowest price
Still no one wants
They said, “Don’t you know that we have the same pain as yours? We have too much” (while pointing at their chest)
I stopped selling or offering my pain
I’ll keep it, here and there
Based on its timeline
And in a place where it should be : the cemetery that I built in my mind
November 19th, 2021
My dear, you know that sky isn’t always blue
rain doesn’t always bring the rainbow
and wind can turn into the tornado
but, you’re always able to go through
My dear, there’s no perfect past
so is the present and future
As long as you did your best
failure shouldn’t be your regret
My dear, I’m sorry for my mistreatment
I’m sorry for every emotion I bottled up
All I want was just hold back my tears
so no one knew that I’ve cried
My dear, whoever hurt or left any scars
let them pay the debts
Pity on them who threw a gem for a gravel
You deserve the best
Better than they ever gave
October 22, 2021 – the best day of the week
They say I’m lonely
going alone everywhere
without group of peers
or a man whom I date with
They took pity on me
thinking that my life is so unlucky
for not having friends
or someone who stands by my side
Yeah, please, keep talking about that shit
keep your shallow thinking to yourself
cause we’re so unwell trained to see what unseen
an amateur to dive in to the meaning
Call me a lone wolf if you want
a member who’s outcasted of the pack
cause of her flaws
which is not cool enough to stay in, even be their shadows
I’m a lone wolf
who defeat the loneliness alone
who reject to be the shadow
who won’t bow down to any expectation
October 14th, 2021-time when I feel the most powerful to make my day
Let’s go out and move our body
following the rhythm of welcome dance
greeting the night with warm embrace
We have enough time to play
enjoying the view that’s not too dark like usual
Let’s laugh together
till the bedtime story come
or a lullaby is sung
Take me go outside this room
to sing and dance under the full moon
Let my bare feet touch the ground
just run and run, since tomorrow is the day off
Under the moonlight,
my eyes will capture its allure
while my mind still call back the memories of childhood
October 10th, 2021
(1)
This is our homeland. One of God’s masterpiece, home of world hundreds active volcanoes; long stretch of coastline from the west to the east; heaven of tropical rainforest, various species of exotic animals and plants.
(2)
Here, we stand to welcome the sun. Surrender ourselves to the morning for the sake of new hopes.
“We’re born and die here”.
(3)
Our homeland is a piece of paradise. Mountains become the upstream of rivers and tributaries that flows happiness and life. Seeds that we sown, grow thousand grains of goodness. Human use it to support their lives.
(4)
But, our homeland is exchanged with money. Capital owners and deceitful politicians suck the citizens blood.
(5)
Mining’s everywhere, dredge up bowels of the earth. Sea and river polluted by mercury and plastic. Fishes are die. Our lungs filled with pollution.
(6)
Trees roots are not strong enough to handle the water flows. Forests are gone, converting to oil palm plantation. The villas stand tall on top of the hill, swallowing ecological areas.
(7)
When the rain comes so often, everything’s float off and die, swept away by the flood. Left pain and sorrow that will be recorded in our memory.
(8)
Our motherland endures her pain, due to the ungrateful behaviour of her children. intelligent human beings that never use their brain. Feels like the one who can take a control while they’re just souls that full of greed.
Sept 20th, 2021
Oh, cheerful September
As the time goes faster
Your end is getting closer
Oh, cheerful September
As I tripped and fell over and over
I find the reason to grow stronger
Oh, cheerful September
The day when I wake up
I choose rejection to give up
Oh, cheerful September
Although sometimes life is full of grief
I’ll answer it with tears and smile at the same time
Oh, cheerful September
Maybe I need some rest
But, I refuse to stop or else I’ll regret later
Oh, cheerful September
I go through this fear again and again
Either failure or losing
Like it’s one of a daily routine
Oh, cheerful September
You give me hope and moments to be captured
But also a farewell that doesn’t need to be remembered
September 12th, 2021-when the rain is still pouring during dry season
In the entertainment industry, Club 27 refers to a phenomenon of world musicians and celebs who died at age of 27 years. Starting from Janis Joplin’s death in 1970, who died two weeks after Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison was also found dead by suicide a year later, then it became the main idea behind the creation of Club 27.
In the years after, there’s also some musicians who died at 27, such as Brian Jones (1938), Robert Johnson (1938), Kurt Cobain (1994), Amy Winehouse (2001) till Korean singer and member of SHINee, Kim Jonghyun (2017).
So, what’s the correlation of all I wrote before with today’s topic? Does the author of this post have suicidal thought so she can join Club 27?
No, my dear. Who do you think I am to be at the same club with the world legend?
But, I hope that this isn’t my last post or “good bye message”.
So, what will happen when people reach their 27? Getting older, yes. Coming to late 20’s, of course. Closer to death, absolutely. But, what else?
Research shows that in 27, someone’s body naturally undergoes a biologically inevitable mental decline. Furthermore, the decline to mental disorders can lead to potential depression, such as feelings of sadness, anxiety and emptiness.
Sounds so scary, right? Is it because of the higher expectation and social pressure?
I’ve heard that the expectation and social pressure are getting higher when you reach 27. People will ask more frequently about your achievement in career, wealth and relationship (especially about your love life). For some people, these kind of questions can raise their level of insecurities and hurt their pride. This is why they will be more stress and depress easily.
Well, for the sake of my mental health, I think I should stop comparing myself with others. Because my insecurity exists and to be honest, it’s not easy to always have the right state of mind, then comparing “me in the present” with “me in the past” is better choice. So, what I have done? What I have gone through till today?
First, I care more about my body’s need and health
I used to eat late and skip meals too many times, especially when I was so busy or had many works to do.
I was so lazy to do workout. Meanwhile my work needs me to sit and staring at laptop screen for the damn 8 hours per day. So, yeah, I’m doing the little of physical activities which is not really good for my health. That’s why I need to change that habit.
Second, I try to love and accept myself for who I am
i’m a perfectionist. A little mistake or failure could make me frustrated. I’d blame myself for my mistake or failure.
One day I felt tired for hating and blaming on myself. It made me so sick.
Then I learnt to forgive myself. I embrace all of my mistakes, stupidities and failures. I embrace, cure all of my old pain and said to me, “it’s okay, you did great”.
Third, I could free me from toxic relationship
Almost a year ago, I broke up with my BF. Even we had plans to get married and we’re already knew each other’s parents.
You might ask why’d I broke my relationship if we planned to engage in long term commitment.
Well, I won’t tell you the detail. To be honest, I love him, but, the only thing I can say is surviving and bringing this kind of relationship to marriage will be disaster for us.
Yeah, It might not big changes. But, it’s like an achievement if I can improve some aspects of me or my life. And I have the right to celebrate it once again.
Thanks for reading and have a great day
September 1st, 2021
How many times do you have to put a smile
when the words are just sweetener on the lip tip
No one knows about your heart, which is like a battle field
where the memories are vulnerable in front of grudges
Nothing is more toxic than a fake smile while mumbling of bad things
undetected and not tasted
just left a never ending chaos
If “sorry” doesn’t ever come,
which one should be there first
between regret and forgiveness?
August 25th, 2021
“No’, might make them angry, but it will make you free. If no one has ever told you, your freedom is more important than their anger”
-Nayyirah Waheed-
What does “freedom” mean to you?
Everyone might have their own definition of “free” or “freedom”.
But, no matter it is, we agree that “freedom” means we are free from subjection. In a nations or country’s case, subjection might appear in various types.
The most important and always be mentioned in our history book is colonialism by other country. Now, there’re modern subjection in economics, ideology–even what we’re facing today–pandemic.
Indonesian Founding Fathers, Bung Karno, has ever said that our struggle might be harder in the future because we have to fight against the internal enemies.
Like a prophecy, what he said becomes reality today. Corruption, poverty, radicalism, hoax spreading and hate speech, are some types of subjection that we’re fighting of.
The most dangerous enemy comes from the internal. From them, who are the closest to us. Even we can be enemies for ourselves.
Well, let me ask you something. Do you realize that your life is surrounded by people’s expectations?
If you said “yes”, then you’re not alone.
Annoyed? Tired? Stress?
Absolutely, yes.
Who’s not tired of fulfilling people’s expectations and be a people pleaser?
First, you have to be realistic and realize that you can’t please everyone. You also can’t force everyone to like you.
In the haters eyes, you’re always be a bad person. No matter how nice, kind or well manner you are, their perception about you won’t ever change.
You don’t need to always agree or say “yes” to their requests. Cause you’re just a human, not Aladdin’s genie or Cinderella’s fairy godmother.
If you want to express your disagree and rejection, make sure that you have valid reasons and strong argument. Then, express it in a respectful way.
If people don’t like of what or how you do, it’s not your business.
Your life is your responsibility. Their life are their responsibilities.
Everyone has an authority to rule and control themselves. Your mindset, your words, your attitude and behavior are things that under your control. Because you’re a leader of yourself.
Other’s mindset, words, attitude and behavior are things that out of your control. So, why are you worrying a lot of the things that you can’t control?
You have right to choose what’s the best for you. You have power to rule and control yourself without always fulfilling people’s expectations. If you can do it all, then, you’ll gain your own freedom.
*) This post is written as a reflection on 76th Independence Day of Indonesia. Hope our homeland will recover soon from its “illness“.
I couldn’t help hearing your conversation with a middle-aged man in a stall when I passed by on Sunday at 6 am. Seems like you left your anxiety and regret to be written on an article that released at a homepage even though it couldn’t be the headline. I would like to join, but, I just kept myself away from you and started to make a new conversation because I didn’t know if it was true or just an assumption that played in my head.
I remember when you visited my veranda few days ago, you ordered a poem. Were you joking? And these verses were created, with or without you read it.
Another day you asked me “when”, when it could be an ambiguity, between literal meaning or just a metaphor. Because in a pandemic wave, red zones, restrictions and the death that stalks us even more, the question of “when” is about mystery, prediction and uncertainty.
The distance that we can reach through a screen, my words are announcement without voice but heard by you on the other side which I hope is fine.
August 9th, 2021
Share My Thoughts and Emotions 