Poem | Your Birthday

photo by Flora Westbrook from pexels

Do you remember when we sing together out of our breath?
It was long time ago
When we sticked together
Before we choosed to create our own path

I almost play this song today
Like I always did on August
And you’d do the same on September
But, it’s just on our old days
Not today
And never ever again

Yogyakarta, August 3rd, 2020-07.27 p.m.

*) Note : I wrote this poem to remembering my best friend who passed away in the beginning of June 2020. Actually, today is her birthday. Since I miss  her a lot, but can’t congratulate her anymore, I decided to write this poem.

Poem | Today, I can’t Talk

Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay

Today, I can’t talk
Doesn’t mean I lose my words
in arranging my stories
just a piece of wound I can’t tell
appearing on the surface
making a new scars
Oh, this blood!
dripping on the paper
that I used to write a poem
tonight

Yogyakarta, July 1st, 2020-06.09 p.m.

Intoduction of Toxic Positivity

photo by Aaron Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

What do you do when negative emotions, like sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, disgusted, etc hits you? What’d you say to people you care about, when they tell you their problems? Do you show them an empathy or toxic positivity?

We might not realize that we can be victim or culprit of toxic positivity at the same time. So, what’s toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity can be defined as excessive and inneffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situation

(thepsychologygroup.com)

To give you an easier explanation (I hope), I’ll show you some example below.

Situation 1

Your friend has broke up with her boyfriend. She’s really heartbroken. She’s crying out loud and needs someone to talk to. Then she came to you and told you her problems. As a response, you told her some “encouragement words” ,such as :

” Be positive”
“Look on the bright side”
“Don’t give up”
“Everything’s gonna be alright”
“Moving on” (etc)

(In Bahasa, you often say, “sabar ya..”, “semangat ya..”, “jangan nyerah”, “udah ikhlasin aja” etc)

Situation 2

You told your best friend that you’re defamed by your coworker. It really damaged your reputation that you’ve developed for many years. And your boss was starting to lose his trust in you. Then, your best friend compared your problem with hers or others. She compared which one is more pathetic. She compared who suffers more between you and her or others. In the other hand, she just talked about herself, didn’t pay attention of what you’re saying.

If you have experienced those kind of situation, well, that’s toxic positivity. For situation 1, your friend become the victim of toxic postivity. And you become the one who throws toxic positivity. Meanwhile situation 2 is the opposite of situation 1.

There’re some characteristics of toxic positivity.

  1. Denial. Toxic positivity is fake positivity. It makes people deny and pretend to be happy just to cover their negative emotions. They’ll refuse to be honest to their true emotions and feelings.
  2. Unrealistic. Toxic positivity puts us as if we always have to be happy and positive. Life is up and down. Our life is not always at the top. We can’t always laugh. Sometimes we can cry. The encouragemnt words like I told you in situation 1, look good and motivating. But, it’s kinda problematic and unrealistic. Why? Some of you might disagree with me. Some of you might answer, “I just try to motivate his/her, so he/she can forget his/her problems. Where’s the mistake?”. Well, I suggest you to read it till the end cause the answer will be revealed (implicitly) on the next part.
  3. Comparing who suffers more. Like the example on situation 2, toxic positivity thinks others problem is nothing compare to our problems.

So, what should we do to avoid toxic positivity?

  1. Admitting and understanding your negative emotions. Negative emotions are normal. You don’t need to hide your true emotions by smiling or pretending that you’re okay. Cause it’s okay to not be fine (sometimes).
  2. Releasing your true emotions. If you’re sad after breaking up, you can cry. If someone treats you like a shit, you can angry. When you’ll have a presentation on annual meeting, it’s normal if you’re nervous, especially if it’s your first time. Why do we have to hide it? Why do we have to lie, like everything is okay? Hiding your emotions will damage your mental health in long term.
  3. Learning to control your emotions. Controlling emotions is different from hiding emotions. If you want learn how to control your emotions, you should admit and know first, what kind of emotions do you feel, what do you want. And you won’t ever know your emotions well, if the things you do is denial.
  4. Be a good listener. Don’t interupt someone who tells you her/his problem. Listen and pay attention to what they’re talking about. That’s the reason why God gives us 2 ears and 1 mouth.
  5. Don’t compare who suffers more. Our problem might be the same. But, our strength in facing the problem might be different. What you think is easy, can be difficult for others and vice versa.
  6. Giving the right response. I know it’s hard to give the right response and honestly, I often act like Ms.Know-It-All to them (I’m so sorry T_T). So, what’d you say? You can show them that you care about their condition by saying, :

“I’m deeply sorry to hear that”
“I know it’s really hard for you”
“If I were you, I’d feel the same” (etc
.)

Or… you can give physical touch if necessary (and if he/she doesn’t mind about it), like patting his/her shoulder, hugs, etc. Then, you can offer him/her to talk (or even crying) more till he/she feels better and satisfied. If he/she asks you for an advice, please, do it wisely. If he/she doesn’t ask, please, don’t be Mr/Mrs/Ms Know-It-All (Tbh, it’s the hardest part I should change from myself). Cause sometimes someone only needs to be heard, not asking for advice.


How Hard to Be A Woman

Photo by Catherine from pexels

Make Up

Wearing bold make up : “why do you apply too much?” “Is that a face or drawing book?” “Natural make up is prettier

Wearing natural make up : “you’re so lucky to have such a beautiful face and skin (throwing a jealous stare)

No make up : “woman should know how to look beautiful and presentable

Clothes

Wearing long hijab (for Muslim women) : *being labeled as more religious rather than women who wear shorter hijab*

Wearing niqab (for Muslim women) : *being labeled as terrorist

Wearing revealing clothes : *being labeled as a bitch* -___-

(For this part, I take an example of what have happened (usually) in Indonesia. So, it might be different from your country)

Body Shape or Size

Thick : “you look ugly! you should diet!” (I have a close friend. She has big body. But, her friends, including me, hope that she won’t do (extreme) diet cause she’s already beautiful even with her thick body)

Thin : “do you really have boobs and butt?” (If you ask me this kind of question, let me slap your face with clog)

Feminine vs Tomboy

Loves pink, wears skirt/dress, plays barbie doll, watches romance movie, wears high heels, loves shopping etc : “ew..too girly! not cool” (Tomboy girl feels more superior than girly girl)

Loves black (dark colours), wears jeans, wears sneakers, football lovers, listens to dead metal/punk/rock music etc : “are you really a woman?”

Gentle vs Fierce

Being gentle, innocent, lady-like, elegant : *being labeled as weak, not independent, cry-baby, inferior, submissive, can’t stand up for herself*

Being bold, fierce, brave, independent : “men will be afraid of you. so, please, act like a lady” (Sir/Ma’am, I don’t behave to attract men’s impression cause I’m not an attention seeker)

Working Mom vs StayatHome Mom

Working mom : “You’re so selfish and materialistic

StayatHome Mom : “You waste your degree and achievement just to stay at home” (Although you have good carreer, you still have responsibilty to take care of your husband and children)

Single vs Married

Single : “When will you get married?” (Fyi :If you’re Indonesian woman, at least 25 years old, but you haven’t introduced anyone yet as your boyfriend or future husband to your family, then this question will haunt you like a nightmare)

Married : “when will you have a child?”

Married + 1 child : “when will your son/daughter has sibling?” (Meanwhile their baby is still a month)

Conclusion : Honestly, we live in society which everything is rated based on men’s point of view. Meanwhile, we also live in society which women ‘kill’ each other. We can’t please everyone. So, no need to think that much about what they’re saying. You can disagree of others opinion, but, don’t throw a hate comment. You can have your own standard, but, don’t push others to follow your standard. You can have your own preference, but, don’t push others to follow your preference. Because it might not fit in/doesn’t work on someone who has different culture, habit, social status, religion and so on.

*) notes :

Hijab : a veil worn by Muslim women in the presence of any male outside of their immadiate family, which usually covers the head and chest

Niqab : a garment of clothing that covers the face, except eyes, worn by some Muslim women as a part of particular interpretation of hijab.

An Opinion on Women’s Life (Part 2 : What’s Wrong With Smart Women?)

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from pexels

A smart person always looks more attractive in my eyes.

Some of women are afraid of having dreams, ambitions or just being smart.

Don’t dream too high. Don’t be too smart cause men won’t like you

Don’t dream too high. Don’t be too smart, if you’ll end up getting married and being housewife only

Ironically, those statements are spoken by women too (mostly).

Ok, let me tell you something.

Women must be smart and welleducated. A well-educated person is different from a person who’s attended school and got academic degree. Degree and diploma are just signal that you’ve attended, then graduated from school or university. But, they’re not necessarily show how well-educated you are.

Have you ever known someone who’s not attended school or university, but, her/his knowledge is no joke? Have you ever known someone who’s decided to drop out of school/university, but being successful at very young age? Well, I don’t tell you that school isn’t important. I just want to emphasize that one of characteristics every well-educated people have, are never stop learning from anyone or anything. School, university or whatever you said, is not the only place to study. Every place in this whole world is our school and everyone is our teacher.

Let’s back to the topic!

Smart women always know how to handle and overcome the problem. They know how to put themselves in every place, time and situation. Being smart women have nothing to do with their life choices as a working mom or stay at home mom.

Now, imagine if your husband asks you for your consideration or advice on important and serious thing, then what’d you say to him? Please, don’t say that you’d answer, “up to you”. Because men will be annoyed if you always answerup to youon everything they ask.

Imagine if your children come to you with their innocent yet unpredictable questions, then, how could you explain to them (especially if your children are still underage)? In Islamic beliefs, a mother is the first madrasa for her children. So, how could a mother educate her children, if she has no knowledge at all?

There’s nothing wrong with smart women as long as they stay humble with their smartness. So, women should care about their brain and attitude too. Not only their beauty, make up or fashion. And if you have a boyfriend or crush who can’t appreciate your smartness (for example), I’d say that it’s time to find another man cause he doesn’t deserve you.

Have a great day, everyone. Don’t forget to be happy.

For previous article you can click on https://lunaseptalisa.wordpress.com/2020/05/05/an-opinion-on-womens-life-part-1-working-mom-vs-stay-at-home-mom/

An Opinion on Women’s Life (Part 1 : Working Mom vs Stay at Home Mom)

In Indonesia, we always celebrate Kartini’s Day every April 21st. I know it’s so late, but, it’s okay to write this topic today. As long as there’re women who are discriminated, labelled or stigmatized, I have the right to speak up anything about it. Anytime, anywhere.

First, I don’t want to claim myself as a feminist. Because I think I can speak up anything I care/interest/know about without labelling myself. And I won’t force you to agree with what I write here.

Ok, then. Back to the title.

Woman is a multirole creature. They can be daughter, sister, wife, mother, member of society, citizen of country even a leader of the group/organization/institution/country. Woman is a multitasking person too. Have you ever seen a woman who’s doing chores while holding her baby? That’s one of a proof.

Today, women have the same opportunity to get better education and pursue their career. Then, the debate between working mom vs stay at home mom appears on public.

Working mom often assume that stay at home mom waste their knowledges, talents, degrees, achievements, opportunities etc. Meanwhile stay at home mom assume that working mom are too ambitious, selfish and not taking care of their families well. Sometimes, stay at home mom use religious dogma (I won’t mention certain religion here cause I don’t want to stereotyping them) to offend working mom. Meanwhile working mom, sometimes, use feminism issues to strike back.

Well, instead of arguing, why don’t we support and respect each other’s choice?

Like I said before, woman is a multi-role creature. Women have the right to choose what’s the best for their life and future. Whether they choose to be working mom or stay at home mom, they could have gone through an uneasy inner conflict. We might not know how hard the pressure they’re received from family or society.

So, if you’re lucky enough to be surrounded by supportive people and enviroment (parents, siblings, partner, friends, etc), that’s great. But, how about them, who are raised in very conservative family and society?

Have a great day, everyone. Don’t forget to be happy.

What is Loyality For?

What is loyality for? If I have to sacrifice my health (both physically and mentally).

What is loyality for? If it makes me “far away” from my family and friends. (Remember, I use ” ” on the word far away).

What is loyality for? If I have to sacrifice my time to rest (my body has its limit. So, if my body is tired, it means I need to take a rest. Honestly, I need to understand what my body wants from me).

What is loyality for? If it makes me “far away” from God? (I need my time to pray regularly)

Sorry, if I’m so selfish. But, I can turn to be selfish when I’m too exhausted of everything or everyone around me.

Poem | Year End Syndrome

image by Breakingpic from Pexels

My head feels heavier
Is it gain some weigh?
Or do I carry too much numbers?
A stack of data
Analyze and Forecasr
Deadline and presentation

Higher pressure
Suddenly everyone gets fussy
Top manager give pressure to middle manager
Middle manager give pressure to supervisor
Supervisor give pressure to the staffs
Then, who’s the staff putting pressure on?

I nag to myself, “why are you so dumb and weak?”
I push her to the edge
She doesn’t accept it
I’m angry

So, should I press myself to reach a maximum point?

Yogyakarta, November 26th, 2019-08.00 p.m.

Poem | Starting Point

image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

An euphoria disappeared slowly
My steps went so far

Those memories that left behind
Our conversations in every corner of this place
Burst out into laughter
The textbooks that we read
The difficult terms I didn’t understand
The theories, laws, code of ethics, formulas, methods
were enough to burn my brain

We won’t stay here forever
We have to go
even though to the different direction
Our graduations weren’t the end
It’s just our starting point

Yogyakarta, November 20th, 2019-08.10 p.m.

*) remembering my graduation 2 years ago

Poem | If I Stop Writing

If I stop writing
My head will explode
Because of too much thoughts

If I stop writing
My heart will break into pieces
Because I can’t take my emotions out

If I stop writing
My day will be worse than ever
Because there’s no place to escape anymore

If I stop writing
It won’t affect your life
But, it’ll affect my condition
You won’t lose anything
But, it’ll be the biggest lost for me

Yogyakarta, November 17th, 2019-06.38 p.m.

*) Notes : I made this poem as a reminder for me when I had to struggle with mood swing, laziness, procrastination, boredom and writer’s block. When I was in those conditions or when I didn’t get enough recognition, I felt like,”should I stop? should I give up?” But, I realized what’s my intention in writing. So, whatever happens, I shouldn’t stop writing. Well, Is there any condition that makes you want to stop writing? How do you get over it? Let me know your stories.