Glass Heart (Confession-Part 2)

source by Marcela Bolivar on pixabay.com

I think it’s my biggest weakness among all weaknesses I have. On the other side, it can be my strength even though people only see it as a weakness. So, I could say that it’s my weakness and strength at the same time. Depends on the situation and condition. But, how come?

Honestly, my heart is so fragile. I’m a sensitive person who’s offended easily. . Just one word or rude behaviour you do, can make me offended (can even be remembered for a lifetime and become a grudge in my heart). I can’t handle when someone treated me so harshly. Destructive critics and rejection can make me stress and frustration. That’s why I often call myself as a “glass-hearted” person because my heart is broken easily like a glass when it’s getting hit. If you’re Indonesian, you can consider it as “baperan”.

But on the other hand, I feel it could be an advantage for me. I became more careful in my words and actions, so it’d not hurt anyone. Because I know how it feels when someone treated you like a shit. I know how it feels when there’s nobody accept who you truly are. With my glass heart, I know how to speak or act to comfort others when they’re up and down.

I realized that my overly sensitive nature was not good for me, especially in social activities and interactions with others. Since I started growing up, I learned to use my logic besides feelings. For me, logic and feelings should complement and balance each other. My overly sensitive nature may be due to lack of using my common sense. I overused my feelings. And to prevent the damage of my over sensitivity, I learn to act indifferent to those who try to mess up with me.

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

*) P.S.: I make small challenge for myself to confess my bad traits through writing and publish it. I do not mean to blame on myself because everyone has their own flaws. I do not mean to seek the attention and sympathy from others because I just want to reflect on myself, so I’ll know what I have to change and what changes I’ve made. If you want to check my previous writing, https://lunaseptalisa.wordpress.com/2019/10/04/i-dont-want-to-fall-in-love-easily-confession-part-1/

See you on next parts!

I Don’t Want to Fall in Love Easily (Confession-Part 1)

Hello, my heart! How’s your condition? Okay, I know you’ve experienced broken heart for about thousand times in your entire life. I used to blame on that guys, but, it’s not only their mistakes. I did it too. My stupidity can’t be forgiven. Falling in love too easily. Misunderstanding about their caring nature. I thought I forgot that they did it to another girls too. I’m sorry for being unable to distinguish between love and obsession. I’m sorry for being so blind.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I need to take care of my heart. She screamed to me because she handled too much wounds. I realized that I’ve treated her carelessly. Since then till now, I’m more careful (or too careful). I’m so cold. I’m so rude. I don’t know how to do. Did I really make a distance too far? Did I kill my own feeling? Please, don’t ask me!

Someone try to be a newcomer into my life. I don’t know if he’s just passing or staying for longer time. I can’t rise my expectations even though we’re like two people who’ve known each other for many years. Please, don’t fall in love too easily!

Have a great day, everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

My Journey to 100 Posts

source : screenshoot from mobile phone

Reading and writing are like breath to me. I love reading and writing since I was in primary school. When I was in middle and high school, I joined journalistic club which suits my interests in writing. Even when I entered college, I still wrote for campus bulletin or magazine sometimes. But, I’ve never submitted or published my works in media that allows more people to read. The classic reason I often use : I’m shy and afraid. So, my writing is only known and read limitedly.

Then, because I was too focused on my study, I spent 3 years without writing at all. I came back again in the beginning of 2019 after experiencing internal battle with my inner self. But, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to start again after 3 years hiatus. I felt like my writing skill is gone.

In the middle of March 2019, I dared myself to start blogging on wordpress. It’s not easy for me to attract and gain the readers. But, it’s not the only difficulties I have to face. Lack of inspirations, writer’s block, inconsistency, laziness, procrastination, mood swings even fears are the things I have to fight and conquer.

Previously, I wrote my posts on this blog in my own language (Indonesian). One time, I tried to write in English then posted it here. I found out that I could gain more readers than before (mostly international readers). Then, I repeated it several times till someday I found that my posts got pretty positive responses from readers. That’s why, I always write my posts in English here.

source : screenshoot of my 100th post on wordpress

I also joined online community writing and writer’s forum in one of online media in my country to learn more from senior and professional writers there. Since then, I always learn to write in 2 languages at once : Indonesian (on community writing and writer’s forum) and English (on wordpress).

Whether it’s on community writing, writer’s forum or wordpress, all of them give me chance to connect with others from different background (on wordpress I could communicate with many international bloggers). All of bloggers I’ve ever interacted with, left different impressions on me. They have their own characteristics, styles and uniqueness in expressing their thoughts and emotions. Honestly, I got many inspirations from them (you guys are the best!!! ^-^).

Last but not least, I’d like to say “thank you” for your supports and appreciations to me. Without you, my site won’t go this far. I’m sorry if my writing still suck and bore you to the death. I know I’m not that good T_T. Well, I’ll end it with a poem. Here it is.

100

Full, crowded, noisy
Is my head going to explode?
Is my heart going to burnt?
Let them out of your head
Let them out of your heart
Let them stick on this blank page

I didn’t know what to do
till I found you
100 posts since March
100 posts with rise and fall
100 times fall but 1000 times rise

I have no words to left anymore
except “thank you” and “i love you”

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy

*) Notes : If you have any critics/advices/opinions/anything about my writings, you can tell me on the comment section below.

5 Things I Hate to Hear The Most From People

source : pexels.com

No one likes to be compared. Whether it’s compared to your own siblings or others. But it seems like humans really love to compare the one to another. Comparing A with B, B with C, C with D and so on.

Humans are also very prejudiced. Just because it “looks like that” from the outside, then they are prejudiced based on what they see. They often don’t want to bother to look further and deeper when judging someone/something. Maybe this is what causes many people to get caught up in binary logic. If it’s not true means false, if it’s not black means white etc.

I often hear people say these things to me. I always try to be cool and don’t care about sh*t. But, sometimes it makes me explode and want to throw my hands on their faces. They say and act like they are the people who know me the most.

  1. “You don’t look excited about the things you do”– Okay, maybe I know why people often say that to me. It’s because I have cool, calm and quiet vibes from the outside (it’s so different with my younger sister and brother who has more cheerful, bright and bubbly personality), so I don’t seem to be enthusiastic about doing anything. They often misunderstood me as a person who lack of fighting spirit. In fact, I have passion and fighting spirit to achieve what I want in life. I know what I want and don’t. I know what I can do and can’t. I just don’t express it by telling what I feel to everyone and choose to express it with hard and smart work.
  2. “You don’t work enough” – Just because of the quantity, I considered not trying enough. *sigh* Actually, I’m more concern about quality over quantity when I work on something. Many and good quality, it’s okay. Many but poor quality, it’s useless. This thing also applies in utilizing my time when working. I’m often seen as doing nothing just because I look more relaxed when others are busy. It doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything, but, I just don’t want to waste too much energy. That’s why I always make priority scale on everything I do. I’ll do it from the most important and urgent part first to the most unimportant and not urgent part. Time management plays important role in it.
  3. “You take too much time on thinking/doing/deciding…” – Tbh, sometimes it makes me dilemma, awry and pissed off at the same time. I admit that I’m kinda perfectionist. That’s why I have pretty high standard on something/someone. When there’s an important thing (especially if it’s related to mutual interests), I need to take my time to thinking/doing/deciding it before I make a decision. I just don’t want to harm myself or anyone else. They often blame on me because they thought I was too slow. But, when I made a decision faster, they blame on me for not thinking about it first. They told me that I was too hurry. So, what should I do? What do you want from me?
  4. “You have to speak more. Don’t be quiet!” – I think it’s the hard (if it’s not the hardest) job of being an introvert. (Any introvert here? Can you relate to this kind of situation?). I’m not a person who’s easy to open up myself to others especially new people I’ve just met for the first time. Why? Because I need time to observe and judge whether he/she’s good or bad person? Can he/she makes me comfortable around him/her or not? I’m so bad (read : can’t) at chit-chatting. I prefer to be quiet and be a good listener when people around me start talking about the hottest celebrity’s gossip of this week, promos and discounts at the nearest mall, makeup and clothing style of other friends or gossip about friends who have just dated or broken up with someone. Honestly, I don’t care about other’s private life because it’s not my business. And I hate gossiping others. But, I can be talkative when people talk to me about social issues, mental health, music, art etc that attracts my attention and interests. So, I hate it when people forced me to speak up.
  5. “You should be like (insert parents/siblings/friends/others name)…” – My answer is only one, “why should I be like them?”. I’m not my parents in mini or young version. I’m not my younger brother/sister. I’m not my friends. I’m not them all. I’m me, myself and I. I’m unique and special on my own way (so are you). No one can change my mind. That’s it!

Are there other things you hate to hear from others about you?

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy!

[Self-Reflection] How Helpful Am I To Others?

source : pexels.com

[And said] “If you do good, you do good for youselves; if you do evil (you do it) to yourselves.” Then when the final promise came. [We sent your enemies] to sadden your faces and to enter the temple in Jerussalem, as they entered it the first time, and to destroy what they had taken over with [total] destruction.

(Surah Al-Isra : 7-Noble Qur’an with English Translation)

If you are asked, what’s your life purpose? How do you answer it? The answers might be different from one to another, based on how you see this life from your own perspectives. But, most of them want to be helpful person to others. We want to be someone who can share kindness and love toward others, especially people whom we loved.

Benefit is the result from what we have done. For example, you have good habit and lifestyle, like eat healthy food, doing exercise, enough sleeping, good at handling stress etc., so you can be healthy, both physically and mentally. Having healthy body and mind is the benefit of implementing good habit and lifestyle.

Another example, you like reading in your spare time. You like reading everything. Book, newspaper, magazines, online articles etc. You like to read various topics. Politic, law, economic and business, humanities, technology, health, literature even entertainment etc. Because of this habit, you have broad knowledges so you can get many ideas and inspirations to write something. Having broad knowledges and many ideas to write are the benefit you can get from reading.

Meanwhile, the purpose or goals is something we would like to achieve in the future. Everyone wants to reach the success in their life. Whether it’s about academic, career, friendship, love etc. Success can be achieved with effort and prayer. Or with some bad acts, like bring others down. But, I won’t talk about the second thing.

In this case, reaching a success is the goals, meanwhile effort and prayer are the way you choose to reach the goals. If the success make us being a person who loves to share and inspiring others, means our success have already given benefit for ourselves and others.

The next question is, has your success (including mine) been able to benefit for others, at least for the people who’s closest to you (read : family and friends)? The answer is only known by you and God. But, I’ll give you some questions more which can help you to answer it (I hope it’ll help you).

Does the success keep you humble or arrogant? Does the success make you love and respect people around you more (esp. family and friends) or make you more ignorant to them? Does the success make you more grateful to God or make you more forgetful to thank Him (If you have beliefs that God is exists, you may answer it. But, if don’t, I won’t force you to answer)? And the last, does your success make you more mature and wise in seeing your life or make you become narrow-minded and heartless?

These questions aren’t only for you, but for me too. I’m sorry I give you too much questions in my writing today.

Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy.

[Self-Reflection] Am I Being Hypocrite?

source : frkasch.com

Knowing the truth can be hurtful. That’s why we always try to hide it behind our back, behind our good words, behind our fake smile. We are wearing masks to look more pleasing and convincing. We-humans are too good at pretending. No matter who we are.

I don’t want to explain what is the meaning of hypocrite here. If you want to know what the meaning is, just look at your dictionary or search at Google. I just want to tell you some of acts we often do or relatable with our life. Cause someone said to me that we often being hypocrite whether we are aware or not. So, it makes me so curious now, can the behaviours below be classified as hypocrisy? Okay, let me explain some.

Situation 1. Everyone has their own love story. It can be nice, sweet and romantic like a fairy tale or hurtful, pathetic and tragic like a tragedy. But, whatever it is, love is always unpredictable and mysterious.

Did you remember how’s your feeling when you love someone? You did everything to attract his/her attention. When you felt that the time or moment was right, you confessed your feeling. You promised him/her that you’d like to love him/her no matter what. You promised him/her that you’d like to accept him/her for who he/she is. Even you promised to sacrifice yourself for him/her. And many more promises you’ve told before. But, when the relationship was in conflict, you seem like forgot all your promises. Didn’t try to solve the problem so you could relieve the conflict to keep your relationship go ahead. Break up became the one and only solution. Didn’t you guys promise to always together whatever happens? Didn’t you guys promise to overcome everything together? So, where did the promises go?

Situation 2. Is there any person you don’t like in your life? I think you’re not alone. Me too. There’s always a person we don’t like no matter what the reason is. Maybe because of jealousy, maybe they did something bad to you, maybe they have problematic attitude and so on (tbh, we can’t please everyone). But, you often give compliments to them even small things or something they never do. You often praise in front of them but talk behind their back too. You often show your empathy of the bad things happened to them but judge behind their back too. So, what are all the compliments and empathy for?

Situation 3. Recognition lies on the top of needs hierarchy. Yeah, everyone needs recognition. But, how did you get it?

Have you ever lied about who you truly are to cover your flaws? Have you ever showed a fake smile or pretended to be happy just to look stronger? (In fact, your heart is hurt but not bleeding). Seems like if you are being honest about yourself, everyone won’t accept you, society would throw a judgement of who you are or what you do. Caring of what others think. Afraid if people know your flaws, your image and existence would be threatened. So, should we wear a mask? Should we live in a lie to please others? Should we act and behave “not like ourselves” to be accepted by the society?

And my last question, if I have done all of them (whether I’m aware or not), am I being hypocrite in my entire life?

Yogyakarta, June 14th, 2019-06.25 a.m.

*) Have a great day everyone. Don’t forget to be happy 🙂

[Self-Reflection] Happiness On Social Media

What are you looking for?

Making your face brighter, more red lips or looks like you have slim figure. Actually, you have no that looks. Huh, it’s a lie, dear! How could you do that?

Taking a photo of what eat today, with an instagramable serving or background behind you.

Posting your romantic Saturday Night photos with your boyfriend/girlfriend, with a #relationshipgoals (I wonder what’s the meaning of relationship goals itself) Although you’ll feel difficult to delete all the photos later or posting a broken-heart status when you break up.

Showing off of your branded items you’ve bought. Making others jealous and craving to have it even though they have no enough money. Maybe it’s not their needs, just for rising their prestige if they can have it.

Showing off of your new workplace in multinational or international company, claiming “that’s what success looks like”. If others haven’t already reach your level, then you underestimate them. Actually, you don’t know that everyone else is doing something on their dreams. Have I ever told you that “life isn’t a races?” Everything needs a process, dear! There’s no instant process. A process needs your sacrifice (time, money, mental strength or maybe your emotions). And there’s no fix standard on describing “success”.

So, what are you looking for?

Recognition? Compliments? Comments? Like?

Then, what will happen to you if you don’t get all of them?

If you describe what you see on social media as a happiness, what about people that prefer to keep it themselves? Just posting a certain photo or sharing a certain moment at least one or two times in a month. Aren’t they happy with their life?

You can’t see what happiness looks like. You can’t smell, taste or touch it. You only can feel it in your deepest heart.

*) Sorry, if it makes you feel triggered or uncomfortable cause I’m kinda sick of what happened on social media today. Have a great day everyone! Don’t forget to be happy 😊

Yogyakarta, June 12th, 2019-06.38 a.m.